Woman on a Mission

Blind Man Can Now See

2011-04-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

First of all, thank you Betsy for telling me about the homily this weekend. Yes, I am a bad Catholic and didn't go to church because we were traveling for a soccer game. No excuse, just the truth. Should have made it to Saturday mass and we didn't.
John 9:1-41 speaks of the story of the man who was blind from birth and Jesus made mud from his saliva and put it on this man's eyes. He went and rinsed his eyes and was able to see. Many were skeptical, thought he wasn't blind to begin with. Many didn't believe Jesus could perform such a miracle. Many people today question their faith and others question if there is really a God. I am here to tell you, I KNOW He is real and walking by me each day.

Today I have been thinking a lot about a young woman who lost her husband to Burkitts lymphoma. I had a lot of road time today and I wondered how she was doing. I wondered what the heartache must have been when she found out that her husband wasn't going to be a survivor, or when she heard him take his last breath. I cried in my car, tears of sorrow for Hayley, but also tears of thanksgiving for my family. I am a survivior!

I have thought of Hayley a lot since we have hooked up on Facebook. There was something about her story that drew me to her. I have never spoke to her. I have exchanged a few short emails with her. I only know enough about her to know she is a widow at a very young age because of a killer called Burkitt's.

All day today she was on my mind. I knew when I got home I needed to go to her Facebook wall and see how she was doing. I noticed she had NOTES on her wall. I opened it and began reading from the beginning. Many notes reminded me of everything I have been through. Reminded me of the pain, the illness, the anger. I then came to two days in particular that brought a sick feeling into my stomach. It was the day she signed her husbands DNR and the following days entry telling of how her soulmate had passed away.

Joel was asking me what was wrong. He probably thought, "Oh boy, here we go again." Well, after I read the post about his passing, I noticed the date. It was September 22, 2010. One day earlier I had celebrated with the "Gong Gang" my final chemo treatment. I was surrounded by my cancer family.

On September 22, 2010, in the morning I was released from the hospital for the last time. However, I didn't feel "elated" like I was supposed to. I was sad. My mom was sad. It was just wierd. I used to think it was because I was scared to leave my comfort zone......that was until today. I am wondering now if deep in my heart I knew someone like me didn't win the battle. I know that seems like a stretch for many of you reading this, but I can't help but wonder. Were my feelings that day a message God was giving me?

You see, the story of the blind man regaining his sight has a lot of parallels to me. Before I was sick, I thought I was a faithful person. I really thought I was pretty high up on the "faithfulness" chart because I go to church. I send my kids to a Catholic school. I tithe and volunteer. What more was there? Little did I know I hadn't even scratched the surface. I was no better than the skeptics that question faith each day. My faithfulness was nothing more than outward signs that others could see, but deep inside I still had light years to go to truly be faithful.

When I got sick I learned there is so much more to faith than going to church or sending my kids to a Catholic school. I learned that I needed to find faith deep inside me, deep inside my heart. I learned from great teachers. I learned from my mom and dad. My mom gave up her life to be here with me from day one. My dad gave up his wife and insisted she stay with me. Dana showed me faith by picking up the pieces of my kids lives and ran with it, all the while she was hurting inside. Bud and Gazelle taught me about true faith by selflessly bringing me communion almost everyday of the week. Fr. Gary and Fr. Rodney began to teach me about true faith each time they annointed me. So many teachers willing to open up the faith inside of me.

Three more teachers taught me even more about faith than anyone could ever imagine. Joel, my husband, took my hand on the journey we took and never wavered. Ariana taught me that faith is truly inside us. Her faith in God is absolutely incredible for an 11 year old. She doesn't question her faith and is never afraid to to profess it. Jacob taught me that faith comes in many forms. He was never afraid to see me in the hospital and always told me that God would take care of me. He said it with such conviction that I never questioned his belief.
With all of these great teachers around me each day, why did it take getting sick to finally find my faith? I believe now that it was a process I would have eventually gone through, but I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to go through it sooner than most. Even though I had cancer, I was learning a great deal in the process.

So thank you to everyone who has taught me so much over this past 9 months. There are so many of you that I can't list everyone. However, you have all touched me in ways you will never know. You have all helped me open myself up to the faith I always thought I had. You have helped me become whole.

You have taken my blindness away and allowed me to see!

I love you all!

Amy

In memory of Brian. You are Hayley's shining star and her angel!

Administrative Update! haha

2011-03-01T09:20:00.000-08:00

I just wanted you to know that I have copied and pasted posts that I have written on my Lotsa Helping Hands site and transferred them to this blog. That is why the dates seem so screwy! Just wanted to let you know1

How Does He Do That?

2011-03-01T09:02:00.000-08:00

I am always amazed. I go to church, almost always sit in the same pew, look around and see mostly the same people, look around and glance at my children and Joel. What a comforting feeling it is and a peaceful, calming warm feeling rushes through my body. I know that I am ready to take it all in. When the homily comes I always wonder how they are going to do it. How are they going to relate these readings to my life? They always do it. They always make me wonder how they knew exactly what I needed to hear. Well, Fr. Gary did it today....BIG TIME.

The basic message was that we all feel we need to contol our lives. Our outcomes in life. We want it to be planned, pretty and tied up with a bow. It is not that way. We can't control what happened yesterday, what will happen tomorrow, or what is happening in the present. Really we don't control anything, as much as we would like to think that we do.

I found this out in June when Joel sat with red eyes and told me I had cancer. I dreamt about that last night. It was like it was happening all over again. He sat and held my hand and I could almost feel the warmth of it again in my dream. He told me that they found some tumors in my abdomen and that they are certain it is lymphoma. I remember my heart racing and my face immediately feeling like it was on fire. I had a lump in my throat so big that I am not sure I could swallow if I tried. I remember thinking, "Wow, I really did something to screw myself up this time." I remember asking Joel, "Am I going to die?" And he said, "Absolutely not!" Did he know that for certain or was he trying to calm me down? I may never know the answer to that.

I remember this horribly lonely feeling immediately following our talk. I wasn't alone, he was with me. But I was lonely, or maybe it was just scared. A few hours later I woke again and Joel began to call people to let them know what had happened. As I heard him talking to people on the phone, that feeling came back. A tightness in my chest, kind of tingling in my head. It reminded me of the feeling of my parents going out when I was little and I was left with a baby sitter or my grandma. I hadn't had that feeling in years and it rushed back so quickly it almost smacked me in the face.

The next few days were a whirlwind of doctors, family and friends calling or coming to see me. Whenever they would leave the room, that feeling came back. It is so vivid now I am crying while I am typing this. It is a horrible feeling that I never want to feel again in my life; although, I know I will.

The second day home from the hospital, prior to chemo starting, I was laying in the recliner Betsy let us borrow. I remember drifting off, probably actually asleep, but everything was so clear it felt like it was happening. I remember dreaming of a light, a bright shining light. There were hundreds of us standing together, looking at this light. At first the feeling was panic, that lonely feeling came back again. What was this? Then I heard my name called by this deep voice. I walked toward the voice, toward the light. Isn't this what people see when they are about to die? As I walked closer I saw the outline of this man. That is all I could see though....I never saw his face. I remember knowing at that point it was God. I walked to Him and immediately I went from lonely to feeling warm and ready for what He was going to say. He put His hands on my shoulders and I swear I felt the warmth and strength, even though it was just a dream. He said, "Amy, you will be O.K."

I woke up to Joel and my mom looking at me. Apparently I was smiling while I was dreaming and saying, "He Loves Me. I am going to be O.K." I cannot believe the feeling I had when I woke up. My body was warm, my heart was beating fast, but in a good way. My fingers and toes were tingling, my skin actually felt warm to the touch. I have never had this feeling before in my life. It was so comforting; so loving. It was so real. At that point, I knew I was going to be O.K., that I would live, even if I felt so bad at times I would swear I would rather die.

How does this all relate to the homily today? I don't know. Maybe it is that I know I don't have control over my life and the outcomes. Maybe it is obvious to me that I don't even have control over my dreams. I am a planner though. I want to plan things so they are perfect. Birthday parties, family meals, vacations......but nothing ever seems to go exactly the way we want it to.

God is the planner. He controls our lives. We need just have faith in Him and He will guide us to where we are needed. I am still needed here, to raise my children, love my husband and make mistakes. We do not have control over yesterday, today or tomorrow. But with faith, we will always be cared for.

The lonely feeling I felt the day I found out I had cancer is truly undescribable. I tried above, but it still doesn't quite explain it. It is closer though than explaining the feeling I had in my dream where He told me I was going to be O.K. I wish every person could have that feeling at least once in their lives. It was amazing, loving, warm........it is what the true love and caring of God feels like; at least in my mind.

So on Sunday, when you see us walk to our pew, sit down and look around, you will know that I am being filled with warmth inside. That I am getting ready to wonder how Fr. Rodney or Fr. Gary is going to give me the, "How did he know that?" If we had control over our lives, how would we all feel like they were talking directly to us? How would we relate what they say to our own lives? It happens too often to think it is coincidence. No, it's not. It is God's plan for us.

I love you!
Amy

Are you ready? Maybe...

2011-03-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

This week I spent 4 days in Orlando. The sun, the flowers, the beautiful blue sky....oh yeah, I forgot, we didn't get to see any of that. It was a business trip and it was definitely packed with business. We started at 7 in the morning and went until we went to bed. We finally spent 10 minutes sitting outside the day we left....waiting for the bus to take us back to the airport.

I learned a lot this week. Was it all "business"? No. I learned a lot about myself and my recovery. The biggest learning was I AM NOT READY TO PARTY YET! In the past, these 4 days would be filled with meetings, drinking and hang overs. I made it to all the meetings, made it to the dinners, but was totally exhausted by 9:00 that I left everyone having fun to go to bed. How depressing is that? Well maybe not to some of you, but when we finally get everyone together and get to blow off some steam, the 9:00 call to bed was not very welcome. It was kind of funny sitting next to people in meetings the next day that stunk of booze, had chapped lips from being dehydrated, and had the head nods in meetings because they had 2 hours of sleep. Maybe the sleep I got was worth it.

Lou Holtz (former Notre Dame coach and ESPN commentator) was the guest speaker on Tuesday. I will say that I wasn't overly enthused at first. He sounds so wierd on football Saturdays. Now I feel bad, I always thought he was a raging alcoholic......he's not, just a bad lisp! One more brick in my path to the fiery bowels below.

Lou was an incredibly motivating speaker. He related to so many things in my life right now that it was like he was talking straight to me. You know, like when you go to church on Sundays and you swear the priest (or pastor) was in your mind when they prepared the homily. Well, Lou was in my mind before he prepared his talk.

He gave many examples of how his life has changed over the years. How his decisions 20 years ago are different than the ones he would make today. He spoke about his wife and how he always listens to what she says, because he feels she has got a little of the Big Guy in her. She was diagnosed with cancer and wasn't supposed to live. He described sitting by her bedside and how it hurt to see her sick. He spoke to the crowd and reiterated how cancer is nothing to take lightly. His wife is his beacon of strength. Lump in throat, go away. He is just a dumb jock head right? Nope. He is a real life husband that has a family and heart break too.

While these words hit home, there was something that was even more powerful. Lou said that there are 3 principles we should all live by. 3 things that everyone should live their life around. They are:

Trust
Commitment
Love

Trust~ we should all be trustworthy to our families, friends and colleagues. If we are trustworthy, we will attract others to us that are also trustworthy. We have to have each others backs; we should not have knives to stick in them when they are not around. Trust is having vulnerability. It is scary at times, but we all have to take the leap.

Commitment ~ you have to be committed to every task we complete in our lives. Without commitment you are only giving half of what is needed to succeed. When you are not committed, you should realize you are not fully engaged in what you are trying to accomplish and maybe need to move on.

Love ~ As Lou said, this one shouldn't need explanation. When my boss was talking to all of us on Friday, he said, "I am sure everyone in this room would attend each others funerals, so we must love each other." I love it. If we live our lives without love in them, for ourselves and others, we are empty. Empty....what a powerful word! One that when I think about it makes me sad.

I have learned so much over the last 9 months. I have learned that I am a trustworthy person. I trust others (too much sometimes) and I truly feel others can trust me. I trusted in my family, my friends and my doctors while I was sick. I was completely vulnerable and needed to have faith that what everyone was doing around me was in my best interest. 99.9% of the time, that was true. However, the 0.1% of the time is a person I have DELETED. (That felt so good that day.)

I found my commitment to my family and friends wasn't as strong as it should be BC. (Before Cancer) Cancer taught me that family is what you have no matter what. They don't care how much you sell, how much you make in life, or if you have good gross profits. All they care about is you. What an easy lesson, right? No. I see so many people each day living what they feel is the "dream" life and it all is about the money and success they have in their careers. Cancer finally made me realize that without family, all the success in the world means nothing.

Love. Again, shouldn't even need to discuss this. Love is an easy concept right? Again, no it is not. Love is in your heart and starts with loving yourself. I could never truly love in a genuine way BC. BC I didn't love myself. I didn't have faith in myself or believe in myself. I constantly put myself down and just couldn't find the love in my heart that I needed for myself. Once you start battling for your life, you can do one of two things: 1) Succumb to the hatred you have for yourself, or 2) Jump in with both feet and realize there is a lot about you that deserves love.

Once I was able to see I was worthy of love from myself, I saw love in a different way for everyone around me. My husband and my relationship has changed so much since cancer became a part of our lives. Of course it would, but it was never a bad relationship before. However, there still is something that no words can describe about the love we share for each other.

I was able to see love for my children in a different way. I always loved them, but this love I feel now is so much stronger. I ache when I am not with them. Before, I would work late and thought that is a way to love them. I realize now that an extra 2 hours at work is only making my life more empty.

I think that is what I felt BC. I felt empty. Not because I didn't have people that trusted me, were committed to me, that loved me. I felt empty because I didn't allow myself to see how I needed to be trustworthy, committed, and loving.
Everything we encounter in our lives is a teaching moment if we allow ourselves to see it. Life is an amazing gift that I took for granted before I could have lost it.

Please, take the time to find love for yourself. Take the time to realize that life is a special gift. Do it before something happens to force you to re-prioritize your life. Take time to make your life full.......

I love you!
Amy

Hey Fatso

2011-03-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

O.K. I thought that would get your attention! I DON'T HAVE CANCER AGAIN! MY SPINAL TAP CAME BACK NEGATIVE..............NO LYMPHOMA CELLS ARE PRESENT!

Went to the Med Center today to see my neurologist. She is incredible by the way. Any who....she is incredibly happy with my progress. Guess what??? I have reflexes in my knees again. Big ones! Healthy ones! Are you kidding me? I told her that I actually had an itch on my foot the other day. She was ecstatic. She looked at the Med Students and told them that was a good thing, a great thing. "When you think you have lost feeling forever, to have an itch is incredible." I believe those were her words.

I told her how frustrated I was that it has taken a week to get my spinal tap results back. She wasn't too happy. Neither was Dr. Vose apparently. Without all the details, suffice it to say, I received a call at 4:45 p.m. today to say that my spinal tap was negative. I am still cancer free......I AM STILL CANCER FREE! What an incredibly long and difficult week it has been waiting to hear that.

Now for some other good news....O.K. remember the jack ball that mentioned my "weight gain." Well obviously I am going to gain weight after what I have been through. It just shouldn't be at such a fast rate. 2 things are wrong there: 1) The meds my Gynocologist put me on are one thing causing the weight gain. 2) My thyroid needs to be tested. Apparently the amount of chemo I had can play havoc on your thyroid.

The last thing I want is to be fat again. Well, I will never be stick thin, but I was very happy with where I was at. I knew I would gain some weight, but I am not willing to go back to where I was. It just won't happen. I couldn't figure out why it was happening because I don't eat enough to put on the weight like I have. Yes, my metabolism is screwed up. Yes, I am recovering from trauma. No, it is not me being a pig. The meds and possibly my thyroid are contributing factors. They can be fixed, so all is well.

I will leave you with another quote from that wonderful movie.....

"Extraordinary things happen to extraordinary people. What is chosen for you in life could be your destiny!"

Be no means am I saying I am extraordinary. What I do think though is a big thing happened to me in my life and it was for a reason. I may not know what that reason is today, but I will find out the reason someday. I believe my destiny is to help someone. How I will do that is yet to be determined.

I love you all!
Amy

It's been awhile!

2011-03-01T08:57:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in awhile. I have been afraid. It has been a hard 2-3 weeks. A lot has happened. Some good, some bad, some I am not sure if it is good or bad yet. You probably won't understand most of what I am about to write about, but today this post is my therapy. It is my way of getting out some feelings that truly seem to be caught. Caught inside and need to go away.

I am having memory issues. Not memory issues at work.....that seems to be my one place where I really remember how to do things. I still remember phone numbers of my clients I don't call often. I remember email addresses that I probably didn't know BC. (Before Cancer)

My memory issues come when I am doing such simple things as picking my daughter up at basketball. I drove on Maple toward 204th and turned left. I kept driving until I got to Center Street and got this sick feeling in my stomach. I had no idea where this place was. I had been there dozens of times, but I couldn't even remember what the building looked like. I called Kathy to figure out where to go. She told me to turn around and told me where to turn. We talked the whole time and she said, "Did you just drive toward the high school." Yes. I drove right by the church and didn't even think of stopping.

A few days later I had to go to Dana's house to drop off Ari at Laney's birthday party. Dana is my best friend in the world. She has been to my house hundreds of times, I have been to her house hundreds of times. All of a sudden Ari said, "Mom, you drove by the house." I said, "Who's house." I had no idea where Dana lived. HELLO!!!!! BRAIN ARE YOU WORKING.

Needless to say, I was extremely scared. I called Dr. Vose and got in quickly. She mentioned that because of the type of cancer I had and it's tendency to LOVE THE SPINE AND BRAIN, I needed to have a brain MRI and a spinal tap. (PC term of spinal tap these days is a lumbar puncture.) The brain scan was that day. The spinal tap was to be a few days later. Without the details that are boring, the first spinal couldn't be done because my clotting time was too long. Off the Cumadin for a week.

Fast forward another week to last Thursday. Joel and I went to Village Point (The Big C), holding hands, scared but fairly calm. I didn't want to go through checking into the hospital so I convinced Dr. Vose to let me try it normally instead with radiology assistance. I didn't think that I wouldn't get "relaxing" meds or pain meds to make it easier. However, without a tear shed or a cuss word uttered, I made it through around what was about 20 attempts, Kat finally got the spinal fluid to drip. I think it was sure will because she was about to give up because of the scar tissue that had built up from the many other "lumbar punctures" I have had due to this fine disease. CANCER SUCKS! Even when it is gone it still SUCKS!

I know I am rambling, but that is what I am doing these days. I am rambling my way through. Work is a constant, consistent thing that keeps my mind off cancer. However, when I am not working, I am sad. I am mad. I don't understand. I was reading an article about a person with cancer and thought, man that must be hard on them.....then I got pissed because I knew what it was like and it was not only hard, it was scary, it hurt, it just plain sucks.

On Friday, a client I was visiting said something that really capped my whole 3 weeks off. She looked at me and said, "I can tell you are gaining weight." No shit. Really. Didn't realize that. I was just completely dumbfounded. I don't even know if she is on this site....I guess I should probably look before I send this, or maybe not! I went for 5 months eating very little. Some days I lived on a pack of Skittles, some days orange sherbert, some days nothing but water. I want any one of you to go that long without eating and see what happens to your body when you can finally eat. It goes into shock and you have to work very hard to get it functioning properly again. However, the main thing is to eat. Eating will make me strong. Strong enough to walk up stairs without holding onto a railing. Strong enough that I can get up off the floor without help. Just strong. (I don't think the 20 pounds I have gained holds a candle to the gut this woman has.....WOW, did that feel good!)

I am not asking for you to feel sorry for me. All I am asking is that each day when you encounter anyone that has had cancer, is a caregiver to someone with cancer, is sick with any disease at all, or getting over an illness, BE KIND. Please remember some of the things I have written and remember that although the illness may be gone, the healing is not over. You can do more with a hug and a smile than you can with verbalizing any "observation" you have made.

A movie I saw a few weeks ago was incredibly moving to me. One line from it was something like this:(I would tell you exactly, but remember, the damn memory thing...)

"Don't think only about what has been taken from you.....Think about what you were given."

I was given life. My faith, your prayers and my doctors knowledge gave me life. The love of my husband and children, my parents and siblings, my family and friends...that love gave me the desire to fight for life.

I will encounter many obstacles in my life. I believe this obstacle is how I am learning to deal with others that will come. The beautiful thing is that I WILL ENCOUNTER MANY OBSTACLES IN MY LIFE. I have my life.

I have life, love, faith. I will learn to live AC (After Cancer). I will learn to let rude comments roll off my back. I am working towards a new "normal" in my life. I learned a new normal when I had cancer, and I am learning a new normal without it.

Life if good...challenging but good!

Survivorship - Living Beyond Cancer

2011-03-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

I started reading Lance Armstrong's Book, "It's Not About the Bike. My Journey Back to Life." What an amazing experience it has been. So many things Lance went through (I am on a first name basis with him now...haha) I can identify with but had a hard time putting it to words. I know you are thinking, "I can't believe she ever had a hard time opening up her yapper and letting things fall out"; however, so many experiences I have had, feelings I endure, things I am frightened of.....they are so hard to explain. So you are probably thinking, "Who cares, don't explain them." I NEED TO. I need to get this ideas, feelings, insecurities out. I need them to leave me through my words so I can go back to them in times of doubt and confusion and know I am going to be O.K. I need to read my past posts frequently to know I am growing through this process, not taking huge steps backwards.

I spent quite awhile tonight trying to find a definition of this Survivorship that Lance talks about. He explains it in "cancer mode", but nothing that really would mean something to people who haven't either had cancer or was a caregiver for a cancer patient. What I found is that Survivor and Survivorship are two different concepts. Being a survivor is anyone that is currently has cancer or is in remission of cancer. Cancer Survivorship is so much more. It is a process of living with the cancer, through the treatments and past the cancer free diagnosis. It is the PROCESS of LIVING through the stages. It is more difficult than any one person can ever explain. It is more difficult than any one person wants to admit. It is difficult.

December 31, 2009 was a great day. Joel and I met at Mutual of Omaha Bank at 3:00 in the afternoon, signed the papers for the new business we bought after working so hard to get it and drove home talking to each other on the cell phones the whole way. 2010 was going to be the best year of our lives. We owned a business. I was getting a raise and would be making more money. We felt like nothing could bring us off this cloud. We shared a wonderful evening with Joel's brothers family and shared some champagne at midnight. Watch out world, the Osten's were finally making it. Our hard work was finally paying off....little did we know.

A short 5 months later, we were still "high" from our new lives when things crashed down around us. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think having cancer was all bad for us, it wasn't. It took months for us to come to that realization. At first it was the world caving in on us and our euphoria was gone.....Watch out world, the Osten's just got screwed again. That is what it felt like. Someone was playing a cruel joke on us.....this wasn't supposed to happen. This was going to be the best year of our lives.

As I have said before, I think this time of my "Survivorship" is possibly the hardest part of the whole journey. You fight so hard. You let the doctors give you rat poison; enough rat poison that you wonder why you even live through it. So many people don't. So many people don't have 1/4 of the chemo treatments I had and their bodies won't let them make it through it. Their bodies give up. So WHY did I make it through? WHY was I one of the ones that was chosen to get better? I remember one PA telling me, "We will kill you a little bit at a time and then let you recover for awhile. We will then kill some more of you until you feel like there is nothing left." He went on to say, "That is when I need that fiesty Irish woman to come out and tell this cancer you are going to kick its ass!"

I did that. I fought back everytime they brought me down to a level that felt impossible to come back from. It was almost like I was going to show them that they couldn't kill me....this cancer would not kill me. BRING IT ON! I had something to fight for then. Do I have anything left to fight for? I beat the biggest opponent I have ever had in my life. Or did I?

I am learning everyday that I am strong. Even on weak days I am stronger than I would have every thought I was. I have learned the physical effects of cancer and cancer treatment are a walk in the park compared to the emotional ones. Of course, do I wish my feet would work? Yes. Do I wish it didn't feel like bugs were crawling in my ears from the neuropathy? Absolutely. But do I wish that emotionally cancer would go away.......maybe. Or maybe not.

What I have gone through has made me stronger. What I fight in my mind everyday moves me one step closer to being O.K. emotionally. Would I want someone to sweep it all away....NO! I truly feel that I was chosen to bear this cross to make me a better person in many ways. I am learning to be a better wife. I am learning to be a better mother. I am really learning how to be a better daughter, sister, friend, person. Without fighting through these things emotionally everyday, I am not sure I would be able to say I am getting better at any of those things.

December 31, 2010 was a phenomenal day. We were surrounded by family and friends that love us. We were surrounded by supporters of our children....surrounded by people that we couldn't have made it without over the last year. Although we missed seeing the ball drop (how funny is that....we were on the wrong channel), we got to hoot and holler and let the kids blow noise makers. We shared champagne with those that we love. I spoke with my parents shortly after midnight. I looked around and began to cry. This was a phenomenal day. 2011 will be a great year.....no matter what obstacles we endure. I am alive to see 2011 and that is what is important. I will get to hug my children, smile at my husband and laugh with my friends. What would be better than that!

2010 was supposed to be a great year. We owned a business and we would make more money. What was missing in those words?

2011 will be a great year because of all of you. We will laugh and love our family and friends, enjoy our lives more than anything and nothing else matters.....it will all take care of itself.

Cancer Survivorship is not just a few words or a definition that Lance and the American Cancer Society use to explain what we go through. It is a process that I don't believe will ever be done. It is a process of making us better people through the experiences we have had. It is a process to grow and find ourselves in ways we never would have without cancer. It is the PROCESS of LIVING!

Happy New Year!

I love all of you!

Does Cancer Ever Really "GO" Away?

2011-03-01T08:50:00.000-08:00

I think the answer to this question is a big old fat NO!
I can't believe how much this disease has affected my life. I really can't believe how much this disease has affected my family's lives. Cancer is such an ugly disease that even when it is gone, it still plays havoc on your body, mind and spirit.

I am starting to get my hair back now very quickly. Some of you will be happy to know that I am 99% positive that I didn't lose my curly hair. When it is wet it definitely curls up. I even put some gel in it today. What a feeling that was. Don't get too excited; it is still much to short to be worrying about gel, but it felt good so I did it.

My feet have taken a turn for the worse today and are not working well at all. Someone made a comment about, "Quit milking this cancer thing." Well, screw you. Sometimes I wish that more people would have stayed connected during the ordeal and maybe they would understand that milking it is not what I am doing. I push myself every day to be able to get out of bed and get my feet to move without too much pain. I try not to complain, but I guess if I do and you don't like it, MOVE ON!

I am going to a dear friends 40th work anniversary tonight. Can you imagine working for one company for 40 years? This day and age that is completely unheard of. She has more knowledge in her little finger than most of us will have in our entire body for our working career. She is one of those people you can ask anything and she knows how to fix it. It should be a great time and hopefully I will see some people from out of town that I haven't seen in almost 6 months.

You may have detected I am a little bitter today. (Skip the last paragraph....that makes me happy.) I am disappointed in a few people in my life. A good friend has told me it is not worth getting upset about. I know it isn't, but some days it still hurts. It mostly hurts because I truly felt some people were part of my "extended family" and to constantly hear the negative remarks they made in my absence is discouraging. I think my pride is hurt the worst. It has also reminded me of a very good lesson........never say anything about someone you wouldn't say to their face. If it is too hurtful to say to their face, it isn't worth exiting your mouth.

So today my body is still being affected by cancer. Is there such a thing as a foot transplant? I would love one right now.

Today my mind is affected by cancer. Total chemo brain pretty much ruled my morning until it decided to leave this afternoon.

Today my spirit is affected by cancer. I am down, but not out. It is true what doesn't kill us will make us stronger. It will also make us smarter. While I will always be the same person, I will trust anyone until they give me a reason not to. I just won't keep coming back anymore to keep getting beaten down.

It is a darn good thing that 99% of people are good. That means I won't have to delete many more people off this site. Only the good ones stay......the bad ones can just MOVE ON!

I Conquered My Biggest Fear!

2011-03-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

Wow! What a day I had today. I faced my biggest fear.....
It has been over a month since I have been in the Med Center. I know most, if not all, of you are wondering why that would be a big deal. I had a meeting today and I wasn't there as a patient. The emotion was overwhelming. I was scared to death as I pulled into the underground parking garage? (I can do that because I am still considered a patient. I guess that is a perk!). I sat in my car as I prepared myself to go up the first elevator and into the Lied Center. I thought I might possibly turn around and drive away. I didn't want to be there.......but I had to face it head on.

I am sure when I walked into my meeting I probably looked like I saw a ghost. I was panting because the walk was long and the damn blood clot in my lung makes me run out of breath easily. I sat down, took a deep breath and all of a sudden felt fine. I was where I needed to be.

When the meeting was over I must have felt like torturing myself because I took the oh so familiar elevator ride up to 7th floor in University tower. I ran into my favorite Tech, saw the Chaplain that helped me so much, and saw one of the nurses I loved. The rest of the crew were in morning meetings......I knew they would be.....maybe that is why I went. I was there so early that they were still transferring from night shift to day shift so I wouldn't see too many people.

To torture myself more I went to the treatment center. Again, I saw my favorite Tech, Kari and Paula who were my PAs that I loved and my nurse Sue. They were so happy to see me as a "visitor" and not a patient. I got great hugs and many compliments on my new hair.......at least I am starting to get some so I don't get frost bite on my head.

I faced my biggest fear today and I conquered it. In this hospital I endured the worst pain of my life, cried many tears wondering if my life would be saved, and watched childhood innocence be ripped away from my children. I saw fear in my parents eyes and witnessed my husband's utter sadness. For many reasons this hospital was the worst place I have ever been......even the smell of it today was all too familiar.

But then I remembered it was this hospital and its employees that saved my life. Their knowledge and caring brought a cure to a rare disease. I also remembered all of the people the disease brought into my life. Many were always there and our bond strengthened. Some others were just acquaintances that are now what I consider family. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic to be recovering and cancer free but I do miss spending everyday with my mom. I miss praying with Bud and receiving a "little piece of Jesus" from him. I miss waking up to Carol when she would walk into my room after her shift was up. I miss holding my dog down when Tracy and Nicki would show up at the house unexpectedly. I miss sharing pizza with the Gerten's in the Co-op even though the smell made me sick to my stomach.

I asked Dana tonight if I was ever going to get back to normal and she said yes. She did say she believed that although time will take the daily memories of fear and illness away, there will always be a part of me that remembers. I will still have hard days and moments of fear and times I need to cry. But I will get stronger each day. (Man, is she smart or what!!) I called her tonight to hear her voice and feel better about my day. She had me laughing in the end.....she always does.

What I have learned today is there is no reason to be afraid. With each step I take I have God walking beside me, pushing me and caring for me. I have a group of people that love me more than I ever thought was possible. I have a husband and children that will forever be changed....these changes are what have brought us so much closer together.

I was afraid today. I conquered that fear! I am getting better!

I Love you all! God Bless!

Kansas City Here I Come

2011-03-01T08:46:00.000-08:00

I am in Kansas City tonight. I am on my first business trip in almost six months. I rode down with my boss, Mitch and then went out to eat with him, a client and my partner in crime, Scot. It was so good to see Laurel after so long. What awesome food and company I had tonight.

I am sitting in a hotel room by myself watching the American Music Awards. How wierd this feels? Joel said he is proud of me because it is one more step in my recovery. I am not sure he would have been so proud when I cried a few minutes ago because I feel so alone. Six months of being around my family, whether at home or in the hospital, makes this feel so incredibly lonely. Jacob was true to form and called right when I needed him to. "Hi mom! Where are you? Did you know I miss you mom?" Do you think he knows my heart is breaking right now? Do you think he knows how much I love him? Do you think he knows that this trip is exactly what I needed to do?

I needed to make a trip without my family by my side. I needed to see Laurel. I need to see my clients tomorrow. I need to have my life get back to normal.

So while I miss my family tonight, I needed to prove to myself that I am a strong woman. I needed to prove to myself that I am still the old Amy.

Will It Ever Stop!

2011-03-01T08:43:00.000-08:00

We went out for dinner tonight and I saw one of my favorite PA's (Physician Assistants) from the hospital. Kari was always there for me when I was crying, laughing or just being. We chatted a little and then she told me about Randy Cahill, another PA that cared for me A LOT! He was more of a quiet type at first, a little hard to get to know. In fact, at one point I wasn't sure if I liked him. However, as time went on and I saw him more and more I realized that he was around people that died all the time. Of course he gets used to it, but why get too close to only get your heart broken.

Randy is one of those guys. But once you break through the exterior you find out that he is just a softy like the rest of them. He cares about you so much that you can almost see the wheels spinning in his head trying to stay one step ahead of your treatment.

Randy is the father of seven children. He worked a lot of hours, as his wife does not work. How could she work with seven children? Remind me if I ever complain about being busy with 2 children that some people have many more. Joel and Randy used to talk about OFC soccer. His children play for the same club Ariana does.

Randy is the one that figured out how to fix the infection with my port. I am sure he figured out a lot more about many patients; it is just the type of PA he is.

Kari told me tonight that Randy thought he was having a stroke one morning and they rushed him to the ER. They found a huge mass in Randy's brain. The did surgery to remove as much as they could, but this brain cancer is not one that is curable. Chemo won't kill it and radiation seems to keep it at bay a little. Randy was given 8 months to live.

WHY????? He has taken care of cancer patients for 15 years. Shouldn't there be some pact that if you take care of cancer patients you won't ever get it? Apparently not. I cannot even explain to you how I am feeling tonight....although my feelings don't matter. I want to scream, cry, punch something. Are you kidding me? If you are it isn't funny.

I know Randy from the countless times he walked into my room, poked and prodded at me, asked me questions that most people would blush about, I am sad. Seven children and a wife............it is time for a miracle and the only way miracles happen is through prayer.

Please pray for Randy, his wife, children and all of the people that love him. Spread the word to anyone who will listen to pray for them. Joel told me tonight that we had a prayer chain going internationally through one of his patients, so that is what I want for Randy.

Cancer is an ugly disease that takes too many lives. We need to stand up to this stupid disease and let it know we are too strong for it.

Tonight Ariana said to us, "Why do good people have to get cancer?" Joel responded, "They are the only ones that can handle it."

Please pray for Randy! Please pray for a miracle!

Dance Party is Back!

2011-03-01T08:42:00.000-08:00

Tonight the Osten Family Dance Party resumed in the kitchen. It has been a long time. We danced to the Glee CD: the Beatles, Lady Gaga, Kiss....you know the normal songs kids these days dance to. How funny......they like the oldies and I love it. We even listened to a little Elton John on the way home from dinner. What a beautiful night it has been. Just so you know, I mostly did chair dancing as my feet won't allow me to bust-a-move, but I was still lighting it up. haha

I went back to work on Monday. Does anyone ever really get excited about going back to work? I do. Cancer has taught me a lot and part of my lesson is how much I love my job. Man was I scared walking in the door on Monday though. I started crying right away because I had been holding it in the whole drive. Then I really started crying when I got to my cube and saw the Light the Night t-shirt signed by my co-workers with the Amy's Angels logo on it. April framed it for me and it is beautiful. I realized at that moment that these people are not just co-workers or just friends: they are part of my family. I knew I missed them and what I do everyday, I just didn't know how much.

Talking to my customers has been incredible as well. Many of whom have followed my journey through this site. I have been told numerous times this week how brave I am; that I am an inspiration. I don't feel brave or that I am an inspiration at all. My hope is that I was given this cancer so that each of you don't ever have to get any form of it. I want to believe it was my cross to bear so that you can never feel the pain cancer causes. I know it is unrealistic, but my prayers everyday are for just that......I pray for each of you to be healthy and happy.

Cancer has also taught me that it brings out the best and worst in people. Sometimes cancer can kill relationships because it is too much for some people to bear. But mostly cancer has brought many people so much closer to me that I am not sure I could ever feel more loved. It has brought my family so much closer. It has taught my children that life isn't always fair; which is something many kids these days need to learn. I truly don't feel like cancer was bad.....it opened so many doors that would probably be closed off today had I not gotten sick.

Once you have this disease you truly look at life through different eyes. Sometimes what you see isn't all that great. You are able to see that some people are crying out for help but are too proud to ask for it. Some people do things to others to try and make them fail at something just to make themselves look better. Some people can also turn against you without you even realizing it is happening. I have learned though that life is too short to let it get you down. Forgiveness is sometimes hard; especially when you will never get an apology. What we need to do is learn from these situations and grow from them. What a hard lesson to learn.....one I know I will struggle with daily.

This Thanksgiving is going to be very special for me. I am excited to celebrate what my family is so thankful for.....that is life. So please everyone give your loved ones a little extra love this Thanksgiving. Our lives can change in a second and we never want to regret anything.

Life is so great. It is like the saying, "Dance like no ones watching." Make sure you always make time to DANCE......even if it is in a chair

I am O.K. By the way, Today Was A Great Day!

2011-03-01T08:39:00.000-08:00

First of all, I want everyone to know that I am O.K. My last post was not the normal post for me but I decided to post it anyway. A few people thought I needed to go to support groups, which I have considered. Just haven't found one that will work for me. One person even thought a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Counselor was what I needed. Unfortunately, I don't even know the person that suggested it and I was within 5 feet of her 3 times in the last week and she didn't even introduce herself to me. Call me crazy, but if you are going to tell me to see a PTSD counselor, please have enough consideration to introduce yourself to me.

On to happy news........I don't have to go back to my oncologist for 3 months. I don't have cancer anymore. O.K. I know you all know I don't have cancer. I told you that a few hours after I found out. However, I didn't feel like I didn't have cancer. To be honest I felt like shit. I still had to go to the doctor almost daily and I had to see the oncologist in 3 weeks. I wanted to say are you sure I don't have cancer anymore? It feels like I do.

I did a half way decent job over the last three weeks of pretending I was happy. Everyone would say, "You have to be ecstatic!" Well, no I wasn't. I still FELT like I had cancer. That was until today.

This past week I have spent everyday at the doctor. Monday was for a blood test for my blood thinner. Then I went to the pain specialist for the neuropathy in my feet. Meds got changed at both of those doctors to try and reverse the unfortunate issues I was having.

Tuesday - more blood tests. Wednesday - annual exam. (Not sharing anything from that. hahahaha) And then there was today.

I woke up and my eyebrows are growing back in. Guess what color........BLACK! They are growing so fast I don't even need to spend time trying to draw them on. But black? Envision a pasty white bald head, pale facial skin, and BLACK eyebrows. Needless to say they stick out a little, but they are back!!!

I went to church to try and get ready mentally for my doctors appointment. It was great. I love the children's masses at school.

I then went to the Big C Center. (Who do I need to talk to for them to actually change the name to that?) More blood tests and then what I have been waiting for 3 weeks for. I got to meet with Dr. Vose.

She walked in and checked me over. Answered my questions and then said, "I don't need to see you for 3 months." I know it sounds silly, but that is when I realized I didn't have cancer. I have spent so much time in the hospital, treatment centers and the Big C, that her saying that made me finally believe I am doing well. She asked for a hug and then walked out. I looked at Joel and cried. At that moment I finally felt ecstatic. This was my time. This was a GREAT day!

So don't worry about me. This blog is my support group and my counselor. This blog is me reaching out to each of you. It doesn't need a response (although I love them) if you don't want to. It makes me feel better just to express my feelings through writing. I am sure there will be someday soon that I will quit writing, but until that day please read the ones you want to and delete anything you want to.

Today I just wanted you to know I am doing great. I am cancer free! It was a GREAT DAY!

Life after Cancer

2011-03-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

Life after cancer is wierd. I still live my life the same way I did with cancer and many times I forget I have the "cancer-free" diagnosis. This is most likely because I don't feel much different. Not complaining, but my feet and legs are not getting better and may be worse. (Hopefully the specialist will be able to help with that next week.) After a period of about a month, my hair started growing back and I had a good amount of stubble. It is now quickly going away for some reason. Someone said, "Bald is beautiful!" Bald is freaking cold right now and I look like a goof in a hat.

I have the additional diagnosis of a blood clot in my lung, which is why I can't do much without running out of breath. I have begun some water aerobics to help with the feet and legs, and it seems to be helping my stamina as well. It is funny that some of the 80 year old women seem to swim circles around me......but they have to just wait. I will be kicking their butts soon.

No one really tells you much about the bad things of cancer. They don't tell you about the emotional side of cancer. It was very difficult this summer to go through the physical attributes of getting chemo and the other treatments I had. I cried a lot. In fact, one nurse thinks I cried the cancer out. (If that is all it takes, I could be millionaire.) I tried to put on a brave face for visitors but would break down with my family. I WAS PISSED THAT MY LIFE HAD TO CHANGE BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I DIDN'T ASK FOR.

Getting a cancer free diagnosis is not all partying either. Many people think you get the word you are cancer free and you are completely better. Someone even thought I would be back at work the following week because I was "Cancer Free". Let me be the one to tell you, just because the words were uttered that you are cancer free doesn't mean the pain, physical issues and side effects magically go away. It also is just the beginning of a whirlwind of emotions that no one tells you about.

My cancer was diagnosed and began being treated before I barely even got to realize it was happening. I spent almost 50 days in the hospital getting poked and prodded, injected with rat poison, feeling like crap and not dealing with the fact that I had cancer. I only dealt with the treatments that I had to endure.
It is so hard to put into words, but cancer is so hard to deal with in many ways that people don't even think about. Of course the treatments suck, but they have to be done in order to give you the HOPE of getting better. But the doctors treating you for the cancer do not know, or maybe even want to know, how to help you with the emotional struggles.

So that is what I am trying to deal with now. Why did I get cancer? Did I do something wrong? Was it a sign that I needed to slow down? Was it a fluke? How do I recover completely, both physically and emotionally? Will my feet and legs ever work again? Will my hair come back soon? Will my eyebrows and eye lashes come back soon?

Will I ever be able to sleep all night without waking up in a panic?
Will the nightmare that I have died and left my husband and children ever go away?

Not one of my more light hearted posts, but one that I needed to get out. So please, if you have a loved one, friend, co-worker or acquaintance that gets a cancer-free diagnosis, understand they have a lot more to go through to heal. A lot more then you can even imagine.

What a day!

2011-03-01T08:37:00.000-08:00

This will be short, but what an amazing day it has been!

Started waking up to Jacob sneaking into our room and giving me a huge hug. Got dressed and ran some errands with Joel. Well, ran is kind of an exageration. Joel was pushing me in my wheelchair this morning at Target. He was running through the parking lot and people were staring and us as I was saying, "Weeeeeeee......." Very mature.

Went to Ari's volleyball game. Hurried and made it in time for warm ups for her soccer game. I actually was able to stand up during the soccer game and walk on the sidelines. It was great!! My legs are shot now, but it was so worth it.
Now we are all sitting and watching the game. I just looked at Joel, Ari and Jacob and thanked God for my blessings. I love them so much and know now I have more time to share with them. How incredible is that!

One funny for the week.....My mom and I were at the Med Center on Tuesday in the elevator. A lady was staring at my head and I said to my mom, "We need to get off on this floor because this is where I lost my hair. Maybe we can find it!"

O.K. the kids are now fighting over lego's. Life is truly getting closer to normal now!

Hell Yeah!

2011-03-01T08:36:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can't even explain the feeling each of us has right now. Joel and I talked last night in bed about how we don't even know how to act. We know it hasn't quite hit us yet. We are happy, but still a little scared to be too happy because it seems wierd to be "cancer free". It is said that this is the hardest part for cancer patients. You now go through what has happened to you and what you have endured. Now is the time that you try to make sense of it all.

We have lived every day for the last four months with cancer. We have had so many people pray for us, bring us meals, give me care, medicine and love. My children have witnessed me at my worst and have become stronger for it. However, if I had to choose, I would have liked them to get that strength in other ways.

My doctor walked in yesterday with such confidence. Not ego, just confidence. She said, "I want to check you over." I thought check me over after you tell me how the tests were. She looked in my mouth, checked my lymph nodes and then said, "Your scans look great. Your cancer is gone!" My mouth dropped open, my heart sank into my stomache and tears immediately poured down my cheeks. I asked her to repeat herself and she said it again, "Your cancer is gone." She looked at me like she couldn't believe I had any doubt. Again, she was confident the whole time. It is hard for patients to have that confidence, but it is nice to know that the doctor does.

I have a little issue with a blood clot in my lung. I get to give myself shots for the next 10 days and be on blood thinners for the next 6 months. Such a little price to pay. It is apparently a common issue with people that receive the regimen I had.

So today was the first day of the rest of my life. It will never be the same. I will look at everything differently now. My relationships will be different. My home life will be different. My work life will be different. My priorities have changed now. The love I have to give seems so much more now. Or is it the same but I just didn't know how to give it before.

Cancer has changed my life dramatically. It has changed my family's life forever. Someone mentioned to me that Jacob had a light in his eyes today they haven't seen in a while.

It is not only the first day of the rest of my life. It is the first day of my family's life. We have changed for the better and we have CANCER to thank for that.

Love you all and God Bless.

Anxious Moments

2011-03-01T08:35:00.000-08:00

Well today was rough. Tonight is worse. I am scared to death. Tomorrow morning I start the day with labs, a PET scan and a CAT scan. I end the afternoon with the results. Is my cancer gone?

Everyone I talk to says, "I can't wait until tomorrow so we can finally hear the good news." I wouldn't say that I can't wait. Part of me says that I would like the chemo to do its work for a few more weeks. The other part of me is excited to finally hear the news so I can go on with my life one way or the other.

The other thing is how does everyone know it will be good news. I have a lot of people praying for me and we all want it to be good news; however, it is God's will and his plan. None of us know what God has planned for me. It may be that my journey with cancer is not complete yet. It is in His hands now.

Some people are going to say just hand it over to Him and he will take care of you. I have done that. I don't believe being scared about this means I haven't handed it over to Him. I just have a lot riding on this: my husband, my kids and my family and friends. Sooooooo.......I am scared. I have tears welling up at any given minute.

So tomorrow I will be strong and accept whatever news I get. My hope is that it will be what we all want it to be. My hope is that I never have to utter the word cancer in a sentence that contains my name. My hope is that I can start getting my strength back and going back to my normal life. At this point the question is what is normal?

Thank you for all of your prayers and support. I love you all dearly!

God Bless

What a few days we have had!

2011-03-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

As usual, my mom and I have had a couple of interesting days. It was all good, but just proved there are angels everywhere in the world.

As we were leaving Omaha yesterday the car air conditioning quit working. Man it was hotter than blazes in that car. We stopped in Des Moines and had someone look at it. After filling it with Frion (?) it still didn't work so they determined it was the compressor and nothing could be done until we got back to Dubuque. The employee was told to still charge us for the frion but said he wouldn't do that and it was on him.

While the car was being worked on my mom walked over to Casey's to get something to drink. She forgot her debit card in the car. She told them to cancel the order and she would come back. The clerk said absolutely not, she wanted to pay for it and mom could stop by sometime in the future when she was in town.

When mom and I drove up to the house, there were signs and balloons in the front yard. All of the neighbors were in the front yard waiting for us. Many tears flowed as we all greeted each other. It was so amazing.

Last night I also got to eat Happy Joe's pizza (my favorite). Dad went to pick it up and they gave it to him for free. Joel and I worked there for years. We actually met there and started dating. We love Happy Joe's.

We have had 3 other encounters like this today that just blew our minds. It absolutely blows my mind how many angels are in the world and how much people care for me. Even people I have just met have been so loving.

I am feeling pretty good. My counts are good. My only hang up now is my feet and legs. The feet are numb and tingling. My legs are just weak. If I have to walk long distances I need a wheel chair. However, ever day I get stronger.
I am excited for my 20 year class reunion this weekend. It will be interesting. I am sure I will be the only bald woman that is missing my eyebrows and eye lashes. We will see how it goes.

I hope everyone has a great week. I hope to get some messages from you.

Love and God Bless!
Amy

Not over yet - but soon!

2011-01-06T11:17:00.000-08:00

posted by Amy Osten, Tuesday, September 28, 2010, 8:00 AM

Well, I haven't posted in awhile because I have been sick. It is a good thing that I have had my last chemo treatment, but the side effects of the 6th round of chemo has kicked me in the butt. I guess when you have almost 100 chemo treatments it is going to catch up with you eventually.

The worst part of this time is the weakness and nausea. I can't seem to get to the bathroom on my own or from the car to the treatment center without a wheel chair. Joel or my mom have to help me with the stairs because I am very uneasy. One of my friends picked me up from the Cancer Center yesterday and I think she was surprised to see me in the condition I was in. It will be another 2-3 weeks before I gain the strength back I need to be able to be on my own.
I did eat this morning for the "first" real meal. I had my favorite: oatmeal and toast. Didn't get much down, but I did it without the nausea meds, so I am happy about that.

Yesterday was a marathon day for my mom and I. We couldn't believe it by the end. I went to the Cancer Center to get some fluids. They saw me being wheeled in and immediately came to asses me. I needed fluids, blood (down to 6 range, need to be at 10 or 11), and platlets (down to 8, need to be at least 80 for their comfort. 150 would be better.)

We started at 12:00p.m. at the cancer center at Village Point. We got fluids and waited for them to cross match my blood. Now this should take two hours max for them to cross match it, get the blood and platlets to the courier and out to the Cancer Center. Maybe 2 1/2. Well the courier forgot it twice and at 5:00 p.m. they threw in the towel. I needed to go to the hospital to get one unit of blood and one unit of platelets. Another unit of blood this morning with possibility of more platelets. Long story short, my mom and I walked out of the hospital at 11:00 and got home at 11:30.

They couldn't believe how calm I was with the whole process. What could I do? They weren't the blood bank screwing things up. We have become so used to being delayed that we knit, sleep or just watch tv. I have seen some patients get really upset with the nurses and it does not help.

Since my last chemo and discharge from the hospital I have been at the cancer center at village point 3 times and the hospital twice. 5 out of 6 days since discharge. Not bad. I hope to decrease this to at least every other day after treatments today.

The only other thing I want to share with you is that the changes we are going through are good. It is sometimes hard to realize that. Last Wednesday I was having a hard time being happy. I was being discharged and going home. I had just finished chemo. My mom showed up and she was the same way. I think this was a change to our NORMAL daily routine. This change was scary, even though it was good. However, when you spend three months basically being in the hospital (even though I hated it), it was somewhat of a safety zone. We were being taken away from our safety. It was the death of that stage of our process.
It took us a couple of days to get over those feelings and they do creep up time and again. However, our new NORMAL is a little easier to get used to. We will be reborn into this new routine and the change will be good. We are at home and only need to go for help when needed.

So just remember, when change happens in your life, it can feel like you are dying inside. However, if you allow yourself to be reborn and accept the change, it most likely will be for the best.

Love and God Bless!
Amy

Almost there!

2011-01-06T11:15:00.000-08:00

posted by Amy Osten, Thursday, September 16, 2010, 9:45 PM

As I get ready to start what they tell me is my last round of chemo, I have been thinking all day about this journey we have been on this past three months. Much of this I have forgotten. Some of it I needed to forget and some of it I wish I wouldn't have.

On June 15th the doctors decided that they were going to finally take what they thought were hematoma's out of my abdomen. I had gall bladder surgery and they were sure the pain I was in was from a slow bleed that caused the hematoma's. The surgery was scheduled for 3:00 that day. Prior to the surgery I called two co-workers and had them come up so we could get some work done. That is what I always did.......work! Why would I do this if I was having a routine surgery to remove some hematoma's? Down deep in my heart I knew I had something more wrong. I knew that we were all going to get a surprise when the surgery was done. I was really sick and I knew it.

When I woke up I was in ICU. To my left were my parents. At the end of the bed were my brother and sister-in-law, Darren and Jenn. To my right was Joel. The room was very dim but I could see the redness around some of their eyes. I had a sinking feeling in my stomache and closed my eyes. Back to sleep.

I woke up again and my mom was standing by my bedside. She was holding my hand and I asked her what was wrong. I asked her if i had cancer. Why would I ask that question if I didn't already know the answer?

My parents and Darren and Jenn went home late that night. Throughout the night I would wake up and ask Joel the same question. Why was I in so much pain? Do I have cancer? They never mentioned anything about ICU prior to the surgery. The surprise was out and everyone knew the answer but me.

At 5:00 that next morning I asked Joel again and I finally learned I did. Joel said I didn't have much of a reaction. It could have been the pain meds or it could have been because I already knew. My instincts were right.

Over the next 10 days I was in the hospital, I never broke down because of the cancer. It was curable they told me. I only let little bits of anger, grief, frustration, fear come out at any given time. I had to be strong for my family, especially my children.

Over the last three months I have gone through chemotherapy as an inpatient at the Med Center. Today we figured I will have had around 100 chemo treatments (no I am not exaggerating), 8 spinal taps with chemo med injected into my spine, and more problems with my port than I can even count. I am not complaining, just stating the facts.

We have been through so much. We have lost an entire season in the blink of an eye. (I am going to have a lot of fun next summer!) What came to mind today is that this was not a curse I have been living, it has been an opportunity. It was MY OPPORTUNITY.

I have had the opportunity to review how I was living my life and realize my priorities needed to change. It was my opportunity to become closer to my husband and show him how much I love him. I had an opportunity to spend a lot of time with my children and show them the love I had for them. I get to spend everyday with my mom, as she cares for me, the children and the house. That is a great opportunity.

I have learned how many people truly care for me. Each of you that are on this site, as well as the nurses, PA's and doctors that care for me each day. I can't tell you how much I will miss them when this is done.
So we are almost there! Three weeks from now I will have a Cat scan and PET scan to determine if this treatment worked as they anticipate it has. What a day that will be!

I am sure you haven't heard of too many people that are excited to have chemotherapy. I am pumped to go to the hospital tomorrow and start my last of 20 chemo treatments over the next 5 days. I can't wait to hit the "Cancer be Gong" Gong. I can't wait to start to get my life back; however, it will be a different life.

Thank you for everything you have all done for my family. Whether it be prayers, meals, or cards, thoughts; we could have never made it this far without you. I can't wait to celebrate with each of you when this cancer is gone!

Love and God Bless!
Amy

Jacob's Words of Wisdom

2011-01-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

posted by Amy Osten, Tuesday, September 14, 2010, 11:00 AM

Before I get to Jacob's Words of Wisdom, let me tell you all that I am NOT in the hospital today. We were all ready to go in and get the final round of chemo and be done on Saturday. I got a call yesterday that some of my blood cultures were suspect for an infection that wasn't covered on the antibiotics I was on. However, they are not sure if I really have the infection or if a nurse contaminated the tube when she took the sample. URGGGHHHHH! I went and gave new blood cultures yesterday and meet with an Infectious Disease doctor on Thursday. Hopefully she will give me the go ahead and they can admit me that day. We will see.

Jacob is having a difficult time lately with the whole cancer thing. He doesn't want me to leave and be in the hospital. He says he can't sleep when I am gone. Ari says he cries every night in bed and tells her he justs wants his mommy home. He is starting to act up a little bit, which I completely understand, and he is very sensitive. Hopefully one more treatment of 5 days is all we need and then I will be home every night for him.

Even though he is having a difficult time, he still says some of the cutest things. Some are funny and some break my heart. I thought I would list them below so you could enjoy them as well:

~ He told Christina Butler that, "During silent prayer at school I pray to God and say, 'God, please make my mom better, please, I will do anything if you make my mom better.'"

~ While watching Stand up to Cancer someone said that we can survive cancer. He came up to me, rubbed my arm and said, "See mom, you CAN survive this."

~ I was wearing a braclet that had a dangle on it and he was laying next to me in the hospital bed. He said, "Wouldn't it be cool if we could use this piece as a key. We could put it in your port and turn it and all the cancer would fly out of your body."

~ One day he came up to the hospital and laid down with me. He said, "First we had the Gall Bladder, then the stomach surgery, then the cancer, then the chemo which makes you feel yucky and tired. How much more can one family take."

~ We were watching TV one night and one of those dumb women's incontinence commercials came on. He was playing with his lego's on the floor and we didn't even know he was listening. All of a sudden he said, "Man, mom it is a good thing you don't have a bladder." (He thought gall bladder and bladder were the same thing.)

These are just a few. He is a very insightful, funny kid. You never know what is going to come out of his mouth. He and Ari are the light of my life. I thank God everyday for them.

That is all for the day, but I wanted to let you know that we will get through this little bump in the road. I know that a nurse must have contaminated the tube and I will get to start chemo soon. I will send an update again on Thursday to let you all know what happened. It will be good and this will all be over soon.
Thank you for all of your support. Know that I love each one of you!

God Bless

Freedom for a few days

2011-01-06T11:12:00.000-08:00

posted by Amy Osten, Thursday, September 9, 2010, 12:30 PM

After a really tough day yesterday, I got some good news today. To make a long story short my case manager is horrible at communication. Apparently I was scheduled to meet with my doctor today and didn't even know it. I only found out because I happened to ask to see a PA to discuss my port infection. The PA asked for me to wait until my appointment with Dr. Vose since it was just a day. What? The only time I meet with Dr. Vose is the day I get admitted to the hospital. My counts were up and I was feeling a little better, but if I was going to be admitted I wanted more than an hours notice. They told me my case manager would call me to discuss the plan before the end of the day. Guess what...........NO CALL!

Needless to say, I was completely annoyed. She is a very nice woman, but she is a Fart in a Wind Storm, you never where she is going. Today I went to my appointment after getting some much needed fluid and my IV antibiotic in my port. The nurse just happened to give me a survey they wanted me to fill out. The third question on it was how I felt my communication with my health care team was. Wow, could it have come at a more appropriate time? LOVE IT. Needless to say, they must have looked at the survey prior to coming in the room. She was a completely different person. How funny! Isn't Karma a bitch?
Anyway, my good news today was that my White Blood counts are up in the normal range, Hemoglobin is good, along with most of the other counts. Only need to pump up my Magnesium and get my Platelet levels to 100. This is probably the best my blood levels have been in 3 weeks. Thank you God! It helps so much with my energy level.

I also learned that there is medicine that can help with my feet. I am having a hard time walking because the bottom of my feet feel like they are on fire and my toes feel like they are dead. I thought it was just Neuropathy that I had to deal with, but apparently not. I can't walk long distances and need a wheel chair if I do, so it will be nice to get some relief. Amazing what you can find out if you just tell your doctor what is going on!!!

Because my Platelet levels are not at 100, I did not get admitted today like they planned. My next hospital stay will start on Tuesday, September 14th. It is the 5 day stay with 20 some chemo treatments. This is hopefully my last treatment that I need to have. I will have a CT and PET scan 3 weeks from the 14th and we will find out if the cancer is gone. All I can say is that I am sure it is! That is all I can let my brain think at this time.

I will get to go to soccer games, volleyball games and Tae Kwon Doe with my kids this weekend. I will get time to prepare them for me being gone for another hospital stay. I will get to spend some much needed time with all of my family and friends without me lying in a hospital bed. I will be able to prepare myself mentally/emotionally for what I have in store next week. What a blessing to
have this time. I cannot tell you how much peace it brings me.

We are close to being back to a somewhat normal life, I truly believe that in my heart.

Love you all!

Who follows schedules anyway?

2011-01-06T11:10:00.000-08:00

posted by Amy Osten, Tuesday, September 7, 2010, 10:00 AM

Well, I don't need to feel guilty about being happy on September 11th. My treatments will not end on that day. We had some major issues over this last week that I will explain in a minute, but needless to say, what could have gone wrong went wrong.

My 5-6 day scheduled last visit turned into 10 days. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I needed to be in the hospital, but with my personality, 10 days is too long and starts to wear on a person.

I started in CO-OP (apartment setting) for the first part of my treatment. By Wednesday of last week my Metho levels still were not down and I was getting sicker by the hour. I had a feeling something was going to go seriously wrong so I told them I wanted to be transferred to the OHSHU (7th floor) right away. It is a good thing my "instincts" kicked in because a few hours later I spiked a 102 fever and it was downhill from there.

Thursday morning my mom came to the hospital and when I went to the restroom I heard her ask the nurse if she looked at me today. Apparently I was as yellow as could be. My eyes, my skin, I looked like I had a put bad suntanning lotion on myself. My bilirubin levels were at 5.0 and they should be 0.3. Now they had to figure out what was causing it.

Dapsone is a drug I have been taking since the first day I started treatment. It is a derivative of a sulfa medication (which I am allergic to); however, less than 8% of people with Sulfa allergeries have a negative reaction to Dapsone. LEAVE IT TO ME TO BE UNIQUE. The medication was playing havoc on my liver which caused the fever, the jaundice, and feeling like I got hit by a bus. Off the Dapsone I went. I have to do a breathing treatment once a month to make up for not taking the medicine. EASY FIX.

That little "incident" caused the extra days in the hospital. When they were discharging me, they took my port access out. (The port is in my chest and is where the medicine goes into the largest artery in my neck.) When they took them out, there was a funky liquid that came out with it. The site didn't hurt so we didn't think to much of it. Why I didn't think this was an issue, who knows????

Turns out I have a nasty infection in the port line (central line). This is unfortunately serious because it is attached to the largest artery and blood source in my body. The infection could spread very quickly. I have to go to the treatment center every morning and every night to have antibiotics run through the ports. It is a 2 hour infusion each time. I am learning to be very patient. If we had a dollar for every minute we have spent at the hospital I would be rich right now.

Please don't think I am complaining. I just want to let everyone know what has been going on. I was pretty depressed last week so I didn't want to post. You probably would have thought I had given up. They are just the normal bumps in the road that happen as you get further in your treatment. My "SuperWoman" status of getting my levels up quickly is now more like Supergirl. Just not going as quickly as it did before. However, it is still much faster than some of the people I see everyday.

My final treatment is still pending. They can't do it until the ports clear up or if they decide to take them out and insert a Pick Line. I hope the ports clear up because getting a Pick Line inserted feels like someone is jabbing barbed wire in your arm. But if that is what has to happen, I will get through it.
Soon I will get to hit the "Cancer Be Gong" gong in the treatment center. It is a gong that you get to beat on when you are finished with your last chemo treatment. All the other "sickies" sit in their rooms and cheer for you. It will be an emotional moment.

Sorry for not posting for so long. I am out of my funk now and feel like I am back to my old self.

Love and God Bless You!

Methotrexate anyone?

2011-01-06T11:09:00.000-08:00

posted by Amy Osten, Sunday, August 29, 2010, 12:15 PM

Day 4 of the final round of Group A. This is the Methotrexate round. It was intense chemo for 23 hours straight and then a group of medicine to help get it out of my system. Yesterday morning my Metho (short because that word is too long to type, and I added an "o" because it sounds horrible otherwise), level 112.9. It needs to be 0.05 or less before they will let me leave the hospital.

How is this possible? Well they give you 250ml of saline every hour on the hour, they strongly encourage you to drink fluids like you never have before, and you go to the bathroom. ALOT! I can't tell you how tired I am of going to the bathroom. I went a total of 23 times yesterday alone. Almost once an hour.

THIS morning my Metho level is at 1.39. I couldn't be happier! I may be able to go home tomorrow now because I metabolized it so quickly. This will help my mental health and get me on track for the final round. Please Lord, let my levels drop enough for me to go home tomorrow.

Next showing......if my levels (White Blood cells, hemogloblin, platlets, etc.) go up and stay good, without any fevers or surprise hospital visits, I should be back here on September 7th - 11th for the final round of chemo. Yes, I did just say that, the final round of chemo. How wierd that my final chemo would be on that day......September 11th. One of the saddest days in history will now be one of my happiest. Is that wrong?

Joel and I spoke to Dr. Vose this morning and she explained what will happen when we do the PET/CT scans 3 weeks past September 7th. The CT scan may not show everything because of the scar tissue from the surgeries. The PET scan will show if any "cancer" is living or growing. She did say, "I don't expect that to be the case though." She is usually very cautious about saying anything optimistic, so needless to say, this was encouraging.

I laid in bed two nights ago and finally prayed for myself for the first time. I asked God to take the burden from me. I have always felt that I didn't deserve to pray for myself. It felt good to ask Him for His help. To ask Him to take the worry away. Now, if you know me at all, you know that the worry is still there.

How can it not be when I have a beautiful family, with 2 beautiful kids that I can't imagine being without. However, my load is lighter. If I could just figure out how to stay in a hospital without crying every day, I would be a happy woman.

Today I will miss the parish/school carnival, Ari's soccer game and another soccer game tomorrow night. But you know what.......I have a lifetime ahead of me to watch my beautiful children grow and play sports. I have a lifetime of love to share with them. I finally am aware that I will have a future.....

Love you and God Bless You!

"It takes a village"

2011-01-06T11:07:00.000-08:00

posted by Amy Osten, Tuesday, August 24, 2010, 11:00 AM

While watching the 10:00 news last night, they had a cancer survivor on that was fundraising for breast cancer. Her statement, "It takes a village to care for a person with cancer," really hit home. It is so true. Joel and I looked at each other and we knew it was true.

My "village" is so full of people that help care for me each day. I never imagined that I would get cancer. I also never realized how many people would support me once I did.

I knew my mom would come and be here for me. I also knew my husband would be phenomenal. I knew Dana would take over and do what Dana does. However, I never imagined the help we would receive from all of you.

But when you think about it, in order to beat this I rely on soooooo many people:
~ Doctor's - too many to count
~ PA's - currently work with about 8 of them
~ Nurses - too many to count
~ Tech's - too many to count
~ Family - so many again I can't count, but I couldn't do this without them.
~ Friends - my St. Pat's family has been so supportive. I have gotten back in touch with friends from high school I haven't talked to in awhile.
~ Even strangers - There are soooo many people that are praying for me that I don't even know.

This doesn't even count the people behind the scenes that read tests, send me the bills (boy - if you want a good laugh come on over and check these out), draw blood, etc. It is insane.

In the past when I heard someone had cancer, I felt bad for them. I thought about what their family is going through and prayed for them. I never imagined how many people it took to help that person get better. I know now that I need to be one of those people.

I feel guilty I haven't done more when someone was in need. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to experience something to realize how hard it is to go through.

I thank you all for what you do for me each day. Whether it be giving me a hug, bringing dinner to my house, caring for me medically, or even simply just having me in your thoughts. You make up my village.

It takes a village to care for a person with cancer. My village is so precious to me. I couldn't beat this thing without you.

Successful spinal tap and spinal chemo

2011-01-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

posted by Amy Osten, Wednesday, August 18, 2010, 8:45 PM

Thank you for prayers. They were answered. I got a different resident that was really good. Only pain I felt was the lidocaine shots into the spine. He was gentle, took his time, and actually got spinal fluid to drain without tipping the table.

Dana surprised me by bringing The kids up after extended care. It was great. Joel brought pizza and the Osten and Gerten clan spent some much needed time together. Of course, my mom was here too which is so very important to me. She keeps me going every day. How boring it must be to sit with me in a hospital each day. Sometimes watching me sleep, sometimes seeing me upset and sometime seeing me go through painful procedures. She then goes home to take care of the kids and the house. She is our angel right now!

I hope school is going well for all the kids and parents. Have a beautiful night.

God bless!

Sad day for me! August 18, 2010, 11:00 AM

2011-01-06T11:03:00.000-08:00

I am completed with part of my chemo for day 2. I have to have a spinal tap and spinal chemo at 2:00 p.m. today. Please pray that they don't have a resident do this this time. It is a painful procedure that should only take about 20 minutes. Unfortunately, the last one took over an hour because he couldn't get it right.

I am sad today because I have never missed my kids first day of school. This morning my mom got them dressed, took their pictures and drove them to school. I always get up early, make a good breakfast, take the pictures and walk them up to the door. I missed the last day of school because I was in the hospital, and now am missing the first day of school too. I feel like a horrible mother. I would have given anything to put off the treatment a couple days, but nothing like that was going to happen. I miss them already and wish that I could see them today.

The Co-op living is much better. A good friend had her kids make flowers for us to hang up. It is amazing how quiet it is. I get a lot more freedom. I am not stuck in a hospital bed all the time. I got up this morning, put on make up and got dressed. I think this helps with a better attitude too.

If I am lucky I will get out of the hospital on Saturday. Sunday at the latest. Then go back in for the next round of treatment on Thursday next week. Hello mouth sores......here we come.

Sorry for the downer email today. I am happy to be in a different room, happy that I am starting my second half. I just wish I could be there for my children today. Talking about our day over the phone just doesn't do it justice.
I hope each of you have a wonderful day. I am looking forward to seeing each of you.

Also, I will not call this person out, but thank you very much to the angel that delivered school supplies this weekend. I can't tell you how much you are loved and appreciated.

Love you all!

Insomnia now.....THANKS CHEMO FOR ANOTHER SIDE EFFECT.

2011-01-06T11:02:00.000-08:00

I will get to the insomnia part of this in a minute, but have to tell you a couple of things that have happened to me in the last 24 hours.

Unlike what I would normally do, I am going to start with the good one. I received a letter today from a childhood friend that brought me to tears. It was in large part an apology for not being "nice" as a kid and doing the nasty "kid" things. It was so much more than an apology though. It was as if I was writing the same letter to her because I have asked God many times for forgiveness for being "one of those kids."

When I was younger I was an S.O.B sometimes and didn't make people feel very good. We all have. However, I never thought at the time it would effect me later in life. I can't tell you how many times I remember now something I have done when I was young that I wish I could take back. Today was the first time I actually realized other people thought of their actions like that as well. What a blessing to know that no matter how many miles separate us, an apology still warms the heart.

Now for the S.O.B. I ran into at Kohl's yesterday. I was walking through with a hat on most of the trip. However, it was hot and my chrome dome started to sweat. I took it off and had my mom hold it. I walked through the juniors department and experienced something that flabbergasted me. Not the child, but the mom saw me coming, stopped mid word and smacked her about 10 year old daughter on the shoulder, pointed at my head and they both walked away laughing. HAHAHAHA - CANCER IS SOOOOO FUNNY.

Could two situations be any more different. I thank my friend for sending the letter so I received it so close to the Kohl's incident. There truly are some good people left in the world.

O.K. Insomnia. Chemo. Apparently another side effect. LOVE IT.......NOT! I was sooooo busy at the wake yesterday that I was looking forward to sleeping last night. I haven't been sleeping well anyway and I needed to sleep last night. Not in the cards. I was up until 4:30 and then fell asleep for an hour and a half. Couldn't fall asleep all day either. Sleep please fall upon me and help me stay asleep all night.

So please don't look at my misspellings, poor grammar and incomplete sentences tonight. I am tired and am not thinking clearly.

Good night. I love you.

SUPER BLOOD TO THE RESCUE

2011-01-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

If I like nothing else about me, I LOVE the fact that my blood seems to be on board with this whole cancer game we got going on. It once again is bouncing back at knock out speed. They say it is because I am "young", but let me tell you the feeling in my body these last few months is anything but young.

Long story short, when I got out of the hospital on Saturday they were certain I would need a transfusion on Sunday. My Hemoglobin was at 8.1 and they were sure it was going to dip lower before going up. Needless to say on Sunday when I got tested, it was at 9.7 all on its own. My WBC were at 1.0. Not good.

Yesterday, I went for more labs. (By the way I am starting to think what I should be purchasing my new family for Christmas since I spend so much time with them......that would be the nurses at Village Point Cancer center.) Hemoglobin yesterday was 10.8 and the WBC was at 5.3. Not to shabby.

Today, more tests, I am sure they will all go up again. My hips, leg and arm bones hurt so bad in the middle of the night, I am sure I was repairing and working hard. I probably won't put a cup of syrup on my waffles this morning just so I can ensure my glucose level is normal. They just couldn't figure out why it seemed high yesterday. Oooops. (It is the only way I can force them down. Maybe cereal is a better choice this morning.)

I got permission to go to the wake or the funeral for Joel's grandpa. I am choosing the wake because I think the heat of the cemetary and being around that many people will be difficult. At least at the wake I can go off in a corner and rest if needed.

I have mixed emotions about going. I am scared. Here I will see this wonderful man laying in a casket. Yes, this was his time, but is THIS my time too. I don't feel like it is, don't want it to be, but do we really ever know. That is what I have come to learn in this whole process, we DON'T control our lives. We don't decide when we get cancer, we don't decide if the treatments will work, we definitely don't decide when it is OUR time. These are the things that we put into God's hands and let him help us with.

Do you know how hard that is for someone like me? Type A personality, perfectionist (in some things), saying, "God, please take this burden from me today and let me know how it turns out." I never could really do it until I got sick. Even the most mundane and senseless worries I used to carry heavily on my shoulders. I have finally learned why I have been practicing this faith my whole life.......I have Someone walking with me each day on this journey that I will never see, but HE will carry me through the difficult times.

Like today. It will be hard to say good bye to Grandpa Howard. It will be hard to see my mother-in-law in so much pain. It will be gut wrenching to see my children cry. But HE will be there to carry us through this time and someday we will look back on it with a smile for the happy times we had.

Thank you so much for those of you who read these. I know they are my rants on my illness and life in general, but it is so therapeutic to get it out.

Love you dearly

Grandpa Howard

2011-01-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

Joel's grandfather passed away at 11:00 p.m. last night. We thank God that he went fast and without too much pain. We are very sad, but Joel and I were talking today that he is finally back in the arms of his wife Ethel. He no longer has to struggle with constant pneumonia/bronchitis, prostate cancer and other ailments. He no longer has to be alone in his apartment. He is fishing off the edge of the clouds looking at all of us and pretty soon will be asking if anyone needs anything fixed up in heaven.

I have two favorite memories of Howard I would like to share with you. The first is when I was staying at their house for a family wedding. My diffuser broke so I threw it in the garbage, wondering how I was going to control the curls in the humidity. A few weeks later I got a package at my apartment from Howard. He took the diffuser out of the trash, took it apart and fixed it. It had another good 5 years in it.

The second is when I used to work for a different company and Columbus was my territory. Howard and I used to go to lunch once a week when I was in town. I ended up moving to another company and the kids and I were in Columbus to pick up Lonna once. It was probably a year later. Ariana said, "Mom, there is something shiny under your seat." She reached down and picked up a Tiger Eye ring. Howard was in the passenger seat and said he had been looking for that for months. Now, what was really wierd is that I had the car cleaned numerous times since Howard had been in it last, as we always took the other car if the family was going to Columbus.

Rest in Peace Grandpa Howard. You are the only living grandfather I have had since I was 9 years old. You took such good care of your family through the years. Now you can fix anything you want while you watch Ethel work in the garden.

We love you!

In the hospital again

2011-01-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

Never a dull week in the cancer world. I had to get fluid twice, blood on thurs and fri, plalettes fir afternoon, ended up with a fever and my butt in a hospital bed. I am starting to feel better though already.

Joels grandfather who had a successful open heart surgery two weeks ago has taken a turn for the worse. His heart is good but his stomach is dying. They are giving him 48 hrs. Please pray for Joel. I am not sure how much more he can take. Howard is such a wonderful man we will be lost without him.

It will be a short update today. I am on the IPad and the numbness in my fingers makes it difficult to type.
I love you all and ask for your continued prayers!

I am convinced I have cancer ----- AGAIN!

2010-08-04T14:46:00.001-07:00

O.K. It has been awhile since I posted. Last week was a tough week. So much for the mentally tough Amy. I turned into a blubbering mess the second day and the chemo kicked me in the butt. Although not one chemo was overly irritating, but the combination of six medications in 20 doses over 5 days was a bit much.

They have what they call Cooperative care at the hospital. It is where I would basically live in a small apartment when I am there. It has a separate bedroom, kitchenette and living room.
I would go to the treatment center when I needed chemo or to meet with my doctor. They would teach my mom, Joel and others who would help care for me how to do my vitals. It apparently is $65/night, so I am sure the insurance would cover it versus being in a traditional hospital room. I think it would give me more of a feeling like I wasn't in the hospital. Lets be honest, the Med Center University tower is old, the plumbing smell backs up into the bathroom and heating situation you already know about.

Oh......I am convinced I have cancer again. I say this because under one of my multiple incisions I have pain. My good looking PA Hayden looked at it the other day and said it was just my stomache being irritated. Joel insists it is either that or my body creating scar tissue from one of my multiple surgery's. Hello............I think it is more cancer.

So if you get more cancer when you have cancer do you get an award. Really, right now it is close to impossible for me to get more cancer. The amount of rat poison pumping through me right now is amazing. Lord knows, if it can kill my hair and make me lose 62 pounds, it isn't going to allow more cancer to grow.

Is this what I have to look forward to when I am cancer free? Always thinking I have cancer. Joel, my lower back hurts today, could it be cancer? My toe hurts but I don't see anything, could it be cancer? I will have to get up earlier everday so I have time to feel all my lymph nodes for the day. Holy crap.......no one told me this when I signed up for the cancer line. Oh, wait, I didn't sign up for crap.

I think I am losing my mind, but who wouldn't be. I was a woman that was always on the go. I drove around a lot for work. I went to soccer games, baseball games, etc. I flew out of town constantly. Now I sit at my house or at the hospital. I did go to buy new uniforms for the kids today, but was soooooo tired when I got home that I slept for 3 hours.

To another day. I have 14 days left before we start the second half of the treatment. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic that I am half way through and this second batch should be it. I will be done with treatments in mid September and then have another PET scan in October to see if any of the creepy crawlers still exist. Pray they don't because they don't even want to see me kick their ass if they are still alive in there.

Here we go again.

2010-07-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

Today, in a few hours, I check into the hospital for another glorious 5 - 10 days of shear bliss. haha

I have to be honest. I went and watched my daughter play soccer last night at a camp. Who goes to watch their kid at a camp......I do. This is the last time I will see her play for a couple of weeks so I wanted to be sure to see her. It was hard. I saw all of these parents that have their hair, their health, their time with their children. I was somewhat pissed. I saw Ray-Ban (a freak dad that is the epitome of soccer dads) and I wanted to slap his smile off his face. He is such a jack ass and he gets to spend time with his daughter whenever he wants. Not fair, but life isn't fair is it.

So today I get to go back to my little hell hole. With the temperature outside running over 100 with the heat index, I am sure my room will be so comfortable, NOT. I have decided this time I am going to complain. Will it do any good, no, but it will maybe make me feel better. I am going to see if Joel can buy me one of the room air conditioners that sit on the floor.

I am going to "Kill Some Cancer" this week. I just counted the treatments on my schedule and there is 20 on there. 6 today, 5 tomorrow, 3 on Thursday and Friday and 4 on Saturday. Some people don't get 20 treatments in their whole chemo regimen, so please prayer that I have the strength I need to get through this.

On a funny note, Joel bought a "food saver" last night so we can start freezing left overs. I think my mom is in love with it. She has been sealing and freezing cookies, chicken, etc. all morning in single servings. I love having her here and do not know what we would do without her. She takes such good care of Ari and Jacob and is helping organize. It is obvious to me now how long I haven't felt good since my house has never been unorganized until now.

Again, thank you for your wishes, prayers and love. I don't know if you know this, but your emails/posts are what keeps me going each day. Please keep them coming.

Also, if there is anyone that you think would like to be on this site, please don't be afraid to share it with them.

Love you all tremendously.

I am thankful for cancer

2010-07-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

Doesn't that sound nuts? I know it does. Why would anyone be grateful they have a disease that so many people die from each day? Why would anyone actually be thankful for something that makes you feel so horrible everyday? Why, well let me explain.

I have always considered myself a good Christian. I have always given to the church with my time, talent and treasure. Maybe not as much as others, but I have always tried. I have always gone to church, said my prayers and prayed with my family. I have always gone through the motions. I never realized how much more I could feel and experience.

My angels on earth (Bud and Gazelle) bring me communion many days. Bud has said he wants me to have a piece of the Lord as many times as I can. I have never experienced the feeling I get receiving communion now. It is a warm feeling that comes over my whole body. I truly know that the Holy Spirit is with me at all times. I wish I could put words to the feelings, but I can't seem to describe it. Just know that it is INCREDIBLE. I can't say I would ever feel that if I hadn't gotten sick.

I have also learned that I need to slow down. I need to stop and smell the roses as some people would say. I had my priorities backwards for awhile. I worked so hard sometimes that I would miss things with my kids. I would work late and sometimes go days without seeing my children. I would get up before they woke and come home after they were asleep. Don't get me wrong, I will always be a hard worker and set tough goals for myself. However, I will not miss events for my children or go days without tucking them into bed.

The next thing seems like a no brainer, but I have never realized how much I truly loved my husband. I took advantage of our love. I will do a better job now showing my love for him and how much I appreciate him. If any of you don't know him, you may not understand this, but he is absolutely phenomenal. He would do anything for our family. He has been our rock through this process and I hope someday I can be the rock for him.

I have also learned that people are inherently good and want to help. I was a bit of a pessimist (sp???) prior to getting sick. I always thought of the reasons someone wouldn't do this or that, was convinced that most people are in it for themselves. I have learned that people really want to help. People really want to help my children, my husband, my mom. The outpouring of love that has been given to my family is overwhelming. We hope someday we can pay it forward to others in need to show them the love we are experiencing now.

Maybe I am being naive, but dying because of this disease has very rarely entered my mind. I just think about how many rounds of chemo I need to do to get a clean scan and move on with our lives. I guess I have never imagined not seeing my children grow up and have children of their own. It doesn't seem possible. I have faith that God will take care of me and give the doctors the knowledge they need to get me better. This is totally against my normal pessimistic attitude, but I have to believe.

So cancer is not all bad. It has given me new perspective and opened my heart to new experiences. It has allowed me to see myself and others in a new light. It has given me a refreshing outlook on my life. I hope someday I can share this with other cancer patients to help them find peace and courage to fight.

I love you all and thank you for taking time to read my rants on my disease.

I see London, I see France, Holy crap who cares about her underpants, she's BALD.

2010-07-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

O.K. It has been a few days since I have written. Call it writers block, wonderig if people really enjoy them, or just sheer exhaustion. The last week I spent in the hospital would be what I would call living in hell on earth.If anyone came to see me and I gave you a glassy eyed smile, said, "thank you so much for coming," and fell back to sleep, I apologize now. Let's just say the pain killers were very much needed and they worked very well. Wow is all I have to say.

Chemotherapy was also intense. I had one that was super intensive called Methotrexate. (Spelling is most likey wrong.) I had to go for 1 hour and get 2400 mL within that hour. The next 23 hours were 120mL. This apparently is the mother load of chemo. The saying at the hospital is, "You have an aggressive cancer that we need to kill aggressively."

I got to kick a nurse out of my room permanently and enjoyed every second of it. It was almost 9:00 a.m. and he hadn't even come in to introduce himself or tell the game plan for the day. So you know I called him, already enraged. He came down and said "You need me." Egotestical pr*&k. I was trying to tell him how badly my port and the skin around it was burning. He just couldn't understand why it would be burning. I told him if he read my chart he would know they spilled it on me. I VERY NICELY requested we take the port access out and just use peripheral for the next day and a half. I believe this unleashed the inner bull in him. He took each hand of mine, slapped it to see if there was a vein (without turnocut) and continued on with his business. He started to clean the "burned" area and I literallyscreamed it hurt so bad. Then the genius says, "Did that hurt?" No crap dude because I am pretty sure Turret's isn't one of the things listed in my file. He used a "mild" soap to clean it and then was going to redress it. My mom stepped in and said, "How about we loosely dress it until we figure out what we need to do?"

BULLS urine smell was starting to seep through his pores. His nostrils were big enough that I think I could have stock half a hand up there, He left the room. In the mean time my PA came in and I said, "Am I supposed to like that jack ass." She said no and promply got Rebecca. It must have been meant to be because she knew all of Joel's cousins from Columbus. Oh by way, she also had compassion. Such an easy thing to show, or even fake. Let's just say the old nurse would not win any Oscars for his performance.

I got home on Sunday. Things seem to be going fairly well. We need my blood count to be to 2000 - 4000 (2 - 4) in order to start Cycle B, so please pray it keeps going in the right direction.

I go back to the hospital on Friday so I will miss Joshes birthday party. It sucks.
Enough of the ravings. By the way I am bald now. A ton of hair fell out over the last few days and I looked like I had reverse male patter baldness. Joel took care of it and guess what, "My freaking head is STILL sweating." The breeze on it and the water actually hitting my scalp did feel really good though.

Off to the hospital to see if the Wound Clinic has any ideas on how to get my incision to close up.

I love you all.

Is It Supposed to Make That Noise?

2010-07-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

"I've got the POWER". Yes I have talked previously about my Power Port Double Leuman. (Sounds like some fancy gymnastics move we will be watching at the next Olymics.) It is supposed to be the end all be all of ports for people to get. I must put in my complaint today. IT SUCKS! Or maybe user error.

I am sure you are wondering why I am even talking about my wonderful little device that is implanted into my chest. Well, I have been poked in the chest right next to my incision 8 times since Sunday morning. Apparently having the Cadillac of ports isn't normal and it makes it difficult to access. That along with the fact that it is slightly tipped in my chest. I finally got a nurse and NPRN to look at it today to see it was wrong. I was leaking chemo fluid out of the port and onto my chest. Talk about the ring of fire. Note to self: call the nurse much sooner when you see something leaking from your chest and it burns.
I guess I should also explain the title of the email. Last night when they tried to access my port it kept making this noise like when you put your tongue to the roof of you mouth and pull it off quickly. I told my nurse about that today and if you could have seen her face you would have died laughing. She was completely mortified that someone would do that.

I am making a lot of friends up here at the hospital. One of my nurses from last week came to see me today while she was checking her schedule. She sat down with her other friend and they have figured out which days each one gets me for a patient. They said I was funny. I already knew that. I am he funniest person I know. hahahaha
Well, I will write more later. Again, thank you to everyone for your love and support. Your kindness and generosity are completely overwhelming.

I love each and every one of you!
Amy "I've got the Power" Osten

What Am I Learning?

2010-07-08T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have done a lot of thinking today. I am completely blown away at the help that my family is receiving from everyone. How do you repay such help? I don't think you really can, except for to pay it forward.

While thinking today, I realized my lowest points are when I am in the hospital. It seems so sterile, so cold. I know it is a necessity, but this is when I feel somewhat hopeless. The nurses and staff are great. They would do anything for you. It just isn't the same as being at home. Since I will never have enough money to pay for a personal nurse, I will live through it.

I want to help other cancer patients when I am cured of this horrible disease. I want to spend time with people while they are in the hospital. I hate the thought of others feeling like I do when I am in the hospital, so I want to do everything I can to make those feelings go away.

So, what am I learning? I have learned a lot of things but the most important are as follows:

1) Many times we have to pull on our big girl pants and suck up what is not fun.
2) I have learned that I have a strength within me that I never would have imagined was there.
3) I learned that I feel like I can be a help to others and can't wait to be better so I can start the process.
4) Most importantly, I have learned that the loving human spirit that so many think is gone is alive and well. You are all proof of this. You overwhelm me daily and your help will never be forgotten.

I will pray each day for each and everyone of you.

Thank you for teaching me the most valuable lessons I have ever learned in my life.

At Home and LOVING IT!

2010-07-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

Well, as Joel wrote I am at home for a few days before I have to go back into the hospital. I was sitting and thinking how much my life has changed in a month. Don't ever take anything for granted because you never know when it will come spiraling down on you.

My aunt and uncle from Dubuque are here for a few days. It is so nice to have them here with my mom. First of all, my mom and aunt are maybe two of the funniest people I have ever met. My uncle put the handles on the kitchen cupboards and they look great. LOVE IT!

I determined last night that my Infectious Disease doctor would have had the big grabber last night once I got home. Yes, my kids were very excited to see me. But my dog was about beside herself. She follows me everywhere I go and is always trying to get closer to me.

The Infectious Disease doctor just could not fathom the fact that I let my dog sleep with me. I was trying to be good last night and made her sleep at the bottom of the bed. Every hour or so she would camo crawl really slow up the bed and lay her head on my pillow. I would tell her, "Dusty, you need to go down to the bottom of the bed." I could just feel how deflated she was as she went to the bottom of the bed, My poor baby.

Today I was feeling a little too big for my britches and drove Ari out to school. I stayed for awhile talking to everyone I knew, Needless to say, I got overtired and needed to have someone drive me home. Baby steps Amy. Baby steps.

Joel found me some mouth wash that doesn't make me throw up. You may not understand how wonderful that is until you have to use it four times a day and it is the most disgusting stuff you have ever tasted. I have also decided that I my inability to eat was more because of the hospital food. I am eating much better at home. I need to because I have lost 40 pounds since June 23rd. Not exactly the diet plan I wanted to be on.

Tomorrow I have blood work, Friday chemo and Sunday in the hospital for 4-5 days. Please pray for me when I go back to the hospital. It is very tough to sit there and be uncomfortable. My goal is to only cry once a day when I am back in my little cancer prison.

Keep sending notes and funny stories. I love to read them and love each of you very much.

It's raining again.

2010-07-04T16:41:00.001-07:00

Happy 4th of July everyone. It is raining in Omaha today so I am not sure how many fireworks will be going tonight. Hopefully the kids will get to see something.

Another spinal tap today. Couldn't think of anything to sing during this one. I think I am just down a little and need to get past this goofy stage in my disease. I think this would be grieving. Am I grieving the life that I am losing by being stuck in a hospital? Am I grieving the fact that I don't get to see my kids whenever I want to? Or am I grieving because I am just not understanding why this happened? Who knows.......Hopefully anger comes out soon so that I can start being funny again.

I am feeling very selfish right now. I am afraid to be alone so Joel is staying with me. I know my kids need him too. I can't even go to the bathroom, take a shower, or anything else alone with the waterworks coming from my eyes. I want to scream. I know I am a strong person, but the last 24 hours is definitely putting a test to that.

I could not be receiving better care than I am now. My only complaint is that the water in this hospital tastes like crap. Joel had to go and buy me some bottled water. My tastes for everything have changed. I guess that is what rat poison will do to you right?

I am having a hard time praying lately. I feel like I have always prayed for my children, husband and family. I pray they are happy, safe healthy and warm each night. I don't feel very deserving of asking God to help me now. I don't know why, I just feel like I shouldn't be asking God for help. He knows I need it right. Again, hopefully another stage I hope to get over soon.

I love you all and look forward to your notes of encouragement.

I love you!

I've Got The Power! The Power Port That IS!

2010-07-03T09:16:00.000-07:00

A short hiatus while I had to figure out what they hell was going on. The plan was for me to get the port on Thursday and my first chemo to kill the Diffuse Large B Cell Lymphoma on Friday. I got to the surgery waiting and Dr. Eakings said he was going to put in the double port instead of a single. A minor thought went through my head like, "Oh, crap, now what." But I was so distracted by the guy snorting his snot behind me that I had to concentrate on not puking. I really wanted to hit him or hand him a Kleenex. I was a good girl though.

Went into surgery, got the port and then had a hard time waking up for the anesthetic. Imagine that......you go from someone who doesn't even own Tylenol in the house to being put under three times in a month. Makes sense I had a hard time waking up.

In observation at 7 p.m. I saw Dr. Lemon in the hall. What would he be doing after hours coming to see me.......I am sure he just wants to se my beautful face right. NOT!!!!! Upon second and third pathology review it turns out that I don't have the nice little Diffuse Large B Cell Lymphoma. The one most people get. The one that the treatments are fairly easy. I have BURKITT's. A rare, aggressive form of the disease that needs intensive in patient chemo at the Nebraksa Medical Center to get rid of. Like a child I said, "But Dr. Lemon, I want you to treat me." He said he could but he want's to me to be treated by the best. Dr. Vose at the Med Center is world reknowned in Lymphoma treatment. So here we go.

At around 10:00 Friday morning we were meeting with Dr. Vose going through the story again. She confirmed BURKITT"S and reiterated how we needed to start quickly treating it. I said, "So are we looking like next week?" She looked at me stunned and said, "No, we are admitting you today. You will be here 5-7 days for the initial round, then you may get to go home for a day or two and then back for the next round." What the hell. I wasn't wearing a bra, didn't have an overnight bag and didn't have my computer to log this phenomenal news.

By 10:30 I was in my room with my fantastic nurse. She spent about 2 hours with me getting me acclaimated to the system and what I was going to endure. By noon I was given the first round of rat poisin, Rituxan. This would kill the crap out of the tumors.

While I was getting infused with the Rituxan, they had to do a lumbar puncture. This is a fancy word for Spinal tap. I laid there on my side in the fetal position, butt hanging out, having a hot flash because I have no ovaries, and the poor PA couldn't get the needle into the pocket she needed. Time to call in reinforcement. Mark the PA came in and tried. After what seemed like an hour we had drippage. I think it was because I willed it to drip by saying, "Drip, Bitch, Drip!" But I will let Mark think he was the hero. After 4 tubes of spinal fluid removed, they replaced it with chemotherapy drugs.....yes chemo dugs directly in my spine. Crazy I know, but I can proudly say I endured this without a tear being shed. There was enough sweat from the hot flash that I don't think I had any tears left.

While Mark was working on me I decided it would be appropriate to sing. I started with,"When your happy and you know it clap your hands." Got a small chorus out of that one. Then, of all songs to come to my head was, "Swing low, sweet chariot,...." Who knows, we will blame that one on the medication.

I got two more chemo treatments throughout the night without any incidence, It really was no big deal. It will catch up with me I am sure, but I am not too concerned, I just want it gone.
Finally, I had Joel buzz my hair last night,. I am not sure my scalp has ever felt cool air on it. I will post pictures of it later when my mom comes with the camera, but suffice it to say Jacob said I looked like a clown at one point. Joel did the top before the sides and I truly looked like Bozo. It was very funny and I thought my parents, Joel, Jacob and Ari were going to wet their pants.

So the last few days life has thrown me a couple of curve balls. Are they fair, no!! Is life fair, no!! But can it be a teaching moment for my children and those around me, YES! I am here to say that this cancer doesn't know what hit it. It may have me down occasionally, but I definitely am not out.

I've got the POWER! Edit

What's This CHEMO Stuff Mom?

2010-07-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

Last night Jacob got to lay with me until Joel came to bed. It is a "treat" to lay with mommy at night and fall asleep. Last night he was in rare form, talking up a storm.
First of all, he wanted to see the big cut on my stomach with the staples and stitches out of it. I asked him if he was sure and then showed him. He said, "You know what mom, that is huge and looks really funny." Then he just giggled and belly laughed, that big belly laugh I love to hear kids do.

He then said, "What is that Chemo stuff Mom?" I said it is the medicine that is going to kill mommy's cancer. He asked if they have to put it in my arms where they are all black and blue. I told him I was getting a Port put into my chest so they don't have to use my arms anymore. He said that would be cool but the, "doctors are going to need super goggles to locate the port to put medicine into." He said it is kind of like super hero stuff.

I told him the medicine they put into the port will kill the cancer. He said, "Is that the stuff that is going to kill your hair too?" I told him it was. He said, "Boy that is a shame because I sure like your hair the way it is now. It will be cool when you are bald though."

Cool, not so sure about that. But whatever it takes to make it through this. Gotta love what comes out of the mouths of babes.

Cottonballs Anyone?

2010-06-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

I was so tired after my day of doctors appointments yesterday I couldn't even think of writing about it. It was a trip though. Starting at the Village Inn with my mom for breakfast. (That was until some old woman walked by and smelled like the hospital. I had to get up and leave right away.)

The Cancer Troupe (Joel, my mom, Dana and I) hopped in the car for our day of doctors appointments. I know, most people don't take people with them to the doctor, but it isn't everyday that I get cancer so I wanted those close to me to be there and hear what I heard, or didn't hear. I tend to get overwhelmed and can't remember everything, so 4 sets of ears were necessary.

We started at the surgeon. When I first went to him I didn't know what to think. He is a very nice man, but he is kind of like a fart in a wind storm. He blows in and out fast, but does give you the info you need. I decided yesterday that he is like my dad and I love him for that. Just a teddy bear that would do anything for you.

While we were waiting for him to come into the room, Dana and my mom were wondering what the blue "baggie" looking things were. Joel and I had some experience with them, as I needed them in the ER the last time I was there, so we told them it was a barf bag. Dana didn't understand why you would need a barf bag in a surgeon's office. When the doctor came in, had me lay down and started to remove my staples and stitches, I heard Dana say, "Now I know why they are here." I think my little buddy was getting a little queasy.

The surgeon's nurses also make this one of the fun offices because I am known as "Pretty Purse Amy." Everytime I am there the nurses all parade in my room to look at my knock off purse I got in New York in March. It was the best $27 I have ever spent in my life.

We had about 2 hours to kill before we went to the oncologist, so we ventured to Barnes and Noble. We all kind of went off to look at our own stuff. I asked a clerk where the "cancer" section was. I was thinking it would be a huge bookcase full of books on how to cure, handle and love your cancer. It was half a shelf. I picked out a book about how to eat during your treatment. Joel picked out one and asked if I would like it. I scanned the book and told Dana, "Why would he think I would like this.....there are no pictures." I couldn't pronounce half of the stuff in the book. I will leave that one for him to read.

I just really felt that I should be "reading" about cancer, how to make myself healthy, you know strenghten my inner soul. Why do I have to read about something that I am pissed about having?

Now being that they removed both of my ovaries I am prematurely going through menopause and let me tell you, it was in full force in the book store. Apparently it was freezing in there, but I had sweat dripping down my face, back, legs. My underwear were soaked. Is this what the ladies at work call a "hot flash"? It is more like walking into the the bowels of hell and sitting in the fire. I had to sit down and have some water and keep dabbing my face with a napkin. COME ON PEOPLE, I AM 37 YEARS OLD. This is ridiculous.

When we got to the oncologist we were still 1/2 hour early. Obviously cancer has completely changed my internal clock, or as Dana said, maybe the appointments are a little more important now. We went to our room and again sat and waited. This is where the fun came in. My mom says, "Amy, did you know your cousin steals stuff in Dr.'s offices when he is waiting for them to come in. Like band aids, cotton balls, etc." I bust out laughing and then there was a strange silence. (Not usual for the 4 of us when we are together.) My mom broke the silence with, "Joel, what is in those cupboards." Joel proceeded to open the cupboards and drawers to see if we could find the golden loot. Needless to say, there was nothing. Not a bandaid in site. We were laughing so hard and the doctor came in and just stared at us. I think we OVERWHELMED him.

Our final appointment for the day was with the Infectious Disease doctor. Again, we were 45 minutes early so we sat in the waiting room for awhile. There was a couch that I sat on with my mom and Dana. We tried not to laugh at the 80 year old man with a comb up dyed black. (A comb up is not the same as a comb over. The hair actually started at the back of his head and he combed it up and over his head.) The poor guy, if he wouldn't have combed it up, it would have at least hit his mid back.

Anyway, we waited so long that I fell asleep on the coach leaning on my mom. That was until she fell asleep and snorted really loud. This is happening as Joel and Dana are looking at a magazine and talking about the "Chapelle" show. I haven't heard Joel laugh that hard in a long time. I am sure the people in the waiting room wanted us to leave.

We got into the room to see something I had never seen before. It was a full wall mural on all 4 walls and doors that was had birds, tropical scenes, oriental scenes, etc. Holy Cow was it ugly. It felt like the room was swallowing us up. When the doctor came in he explained it was the travel clinic where people get vaccinations prior to leaving the country. What, if you leave the country the plain white walls of a doctor office aren't enough? I am obviously missing something.

Anyway, prior to him walking in we had a lull in the conversation. Again, not typical. Dana says, "Look at all those pens. We could probably steal some. And look, they have a bunch cottonballs. I could use some of them at home." She stood up, took a pen and had her hand near the cottonballs just as the door opened up. Again, the four of us busted out laughing and couldn't stop. These poor doctors may fire me before they even get me better.

Yesterday was a long day. I had to do everything I could to psych myself up for it. Who wants to go and spend the whole day talking about Cancer and the fact that you have it. Well, I learned that even the worst subjects/events in our lives can be made fun if you have the right people with you.

We learned that my incision is doing well, Dana doesn't like looking at it without a barf bag around, my port will go in Thursday and Chemo will start on Friday. We learned that the oncologist is concerned about something on the Pathology report so he is sending it through a third time to make sure we are certain I don't have a more advanced form of Lymphoma. I learned that "Cancer" books are boring and I really have no desire to read one. I discovered that I still am not sure what Infectious Disease doctors do, but they seem to be helping me.

Most of all, I learned that people care about me, whether they have known me my whole life or just met me a few weeks ago. Not everyone understands my humor, or even likes it, but every doctor I went to yesterday seemed to connect with me. They seem to get that my way of getting through this will be with a few tears, but tons of laughter. Tons of laughter and a few cottonballs??? haha

PET scan not so fluffly

2010-06-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

I went for my PET scan today. I showed up 1 1/2 hours early. I know, I am never early for anything. I wish I hadn't been today either, but I guess I got to watch tennis in the waiting room.

Remind me in the future to take more anxiety meds before having a PET scan. I am extremely claustrophobic (?) thanks to my brother. Anyway, they lay you on this narrow table that you can barely fit your arms on. I put my hands on my stomache and they said, not to do that, they would be strapping me down. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They put this big velcro sheet from my hips to my neck and wrapped it around me and velcro'd it shut. OMG!!!!!! Help me think of something big and free and open.

To make it worse they put me in this tube that I think I could have stuck my tongue out and hit the top. Holy guacamole, couldn't they have put me to sleep for this. All those times my brother put me in the corner and reclined the chair were coming back to me in full force. I could feel the sweat from panic dripping down my face, back and neck.

35 minutes of internal struggle later, they came in the room to say we were finished. Thank you God, Thank you God!!!! The tech said, "boy we probably need to give you stronger medicine before doing this again, you are all clammy." YOU DON'T SAY. Really, not only do I have cancer which is bad enough, I had to face 35 minutes of my greatest fear.

I learned something though. As I sat and struggled with the emotions that came along with being tied down and put into a tube, I learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined. When I wanted to throw in the white towel and say, "I give up, get me out of this thing," my rationale mind told me this is necessary to get me better. It is necessary to find out how to treat my cancer. It is necessary to allow me a longer life with my family.

Fears aren't always something we have to run away from. If we look them in the eye and face them head on, we can find that we are much stronger than we ever could have imagined.

The answer to the "IF"

2010-06-27T17:28:00.000-07:00

I am completely overwhelmed with emotion today. I can't believe the number of people that are praying for my family, helping with meals and sending nice notes. I can't get my head around why all of you have gone to the lengths that you have to help us out. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I sit here today wiping tears from my eyes in complete awe of all of your love and generosity.

It seems to me that with my life being turned upside down, it should feel different in some way. Yes, I don't have the energy to do what I normally do, and I am sore from the surgery, but it just seems that everything should be different. But it isn't.....

My husband still loves me and laughs at my stupid comments.
My kids still leave their stuff laying on the floor and complain when I ask them to pick it up.
My mom still goes non stop when she is here between picking up after the kids or organizing in one way or another.
My dog wants my undivided attention and will stop at nothing to get it.
The phone rings and we answer.

The world around me still goes on but part of me is stuck. I am stuck trying to determine if the choices I have made in doctors is right, if I did something wrong to give myself this disease,......if, if, if.

I need to allow myself to keep living instead of being stuck. I know in my heart I will beat this cancer, I just always want to know the answer to the "if".

June 15th - the first day of the rest of my life

2010-06-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

How many times have you wondered what event in your life would be that changing moment. The one thing that would rock you to the core. That day for me was on June 15, 2010. I went in for surgery to repair some "minor" complications to a gall bladder surgery I had a few weeks before. They were going to remove some hematoma's that were in my abdomen and hopefully get me feeling better. What they removed was so much more.

The Dr. spoke to my husband after the surgery. I had cancer, most likely Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. It had invaded both my ovaries, small bowel and large intestine. The surgery went from a "evacuation" surgery to major surgery to remove as much of the cancer that they could. I don't know how he did it. I don't know how he sat there and listened to all of this stuff that was wrong and what they had to do to fix it. How did my husband handle these words without breaking down? I guess that is the difference between us. I would have broken down completely. He was strong and looked ahead to what we needed to do to fix this.

When I started this blog years ago I named it Woman on a Mission. Little did I know how appropriate this name would be in the future.

I AM A WOMAN ON A MISSION. A MISSION TO BEAT CANCER. A MISSION TO TAKE MY LIFE BACK FROM AN INVADER THAT WASN'T INVITED.

I will log what cancer treatment is like over the next 6 months. I am sure it will be no different than any other cancer patients blog, except for it is mine. My feelings, my sad times and the happy times that will pull me through.

Happy 37th Birthday to Me!

2009-08-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my 37th Birthday. I was thinking that certain people would "forget", but I was pleasantly surprised when I woke up to my husband saying, "Happy Birthday honey!" My daughter walked in my room and gave me a hug and said the same. Then my son screamed it as he ran out of the bathroom BUCK NAKED. I love those little buns.

I came downstairs to cards and the neighbor kids we drive to school singing Happy Birthday. I got the most romantic gift ever.....a blue tooth for my phone. Ariana said, "Now you can drive, talk and not kill yourself!" Joking aside, it is one of the things I wanted so it was a great gift.

I got to work to find everyone brought food to share for the BIG DAY! I am so close to so many of the people I work with that it truly warmed my heart that they remembered my birthday and were willing to share it with me. I have never seen soooo much food, especially, so many kinds of homemade salsa. LOVE IT!

We spent the night in Fremont with the Gerten's. The night started out laughing at YouTube video's of people being tasered. I know....doesn't seem very 37 of me, but it was hilarious. Went to dinner and then back to the Gerten's to check out YouTube again. I believe we ended up listening to fart sounds on the Fart Sound Board website. Again, as Joelle (13 year old) said, "You guys are such children." However, I am not sure Dana and I have laughed that hard in a long time.

Dana and I were stars last night when Joelle "tweeted" to her friends that her mom and Amy are so childish. Have to be with us when the laughing starts because it never ends.....so if being childish is what we are......so be it!

I decided many things yesterday on my Birthday.....

1) This is my last FAT birthday. I want to wear something highly inappropriate for my 38th birthday to show off the rock'n new bod I will have.........get it going Amy!

2) Time flies when you AREN'T having fun.....I insist on bringing more laughter into my life this year. I will still work constantly, as it is a must, but I will make sure to do immature things when I am working so that I can at least entertain myself. Life is too short!

3) Independence is a key this year. We will finally buy out Dr. Hill and start a new stage in our life. It will be stressful, but we can't move ahead if we don't take risk. Joel is a phenomenal chiropractor and it is all starting to pay off. We may not have as much money as some of the chiro's out there, but I know that Joel is providing fantastic, caring, ethically sound care for his patients. That is what helps us sleep at night.

4) I will strengthen my faith. I am so excited to be Joelle's confirmation sponsor and feel I have a huge duty to show her how to live through our faith. Most importantly, to show her we all make mistakes in our lives; say and do things we shouldn't, but how we always need to walk in God's footsteps to keep us on the right path. It is a lesson we all learn daily and continue to learn throughout life.

5) Just be me! This past couple of years I have strayed from myself. I lost my confidence and my drive. I feel strongly it is coming back.

I haven't blogged in so long I am sure no one will even read this; however, it feels good to write it. Looking forward to a fantastic year......maybe I will even blog before the next one comes.

I Told Me So!

2007-05-14T19:10:00.000-07:00

No....I am not a complete moron. I realize I just broke some sort of grammatical (is this even how you spell grammatical) rule with that title for this post. But I will say it again.....I Told Me So! About a week ago I was driving to work, talking to SuperCute as usual. I was defending a person that, although I knew had many faults, I wanted to believe in. A person with some sort of power over not only those we love, but in some sense over us as well. Anyway.........I Told Me So! Doesn't it just burn your butt when someone does exactly what you think they are going to do!

It burns mine. Especially when I say to the Cute one, "In a week I am sure I will be calling you back telling you I take everything I said back." Guess what....I did that tonight. She is just graceful enough not to rub it in my face!

Haven't blogged for a LONG time

2007-05-08T06:30:00.000-07:00

O.K. Is this blogging thing one more thing I start and don't finish. I have a multitude of "started" knitting projects, crafts and other things "I love to do" but find no time to do it. It is amazing to me that I will completely put aside the things I love and are relaxing to make others happy. Can't one day be about me??

No.....it can't. I have too many things that I feel passionate about that I have to work on and be a part of. They are:

1) Laying with Ariana and Jacob at night ----- Most people think you are "ruining" your children by laying with them for awhile at night, but for a working mother, it is sometimes the only time we get to chat about the day. Jacob loves to talk about superhero stuff and Ariana asks a lot of "What If" questions. (Ex. What if the whole world was made of chocolate? What if we didn't have any trees or grass?) If this is ruining my children, I will pay for the therapy later on in life. There is nothing better than having your children look in your eyes and say, "Mommy, I love you!"

3) Coaching soccer ----- 2nd grade girls can be the biggest frustration in the world. However, when they score their first goal and run to me, not their parents, for a hug and a high five, the warmness in my heart is more than I could ever explain.

4) The Hand In Hand ---- Many people won't understand this, but it is the school newsletter that I do for my daughters school. It is the biggest pain to put together, get organized and printed....not to mention personality conflicts with those who are on the committee for it. However, to have Ariana tell her friends that "My mommy did this" and see the smile on her face will be enough for me to trudge through another issue.

5) Development Committee --- Another thing many people won't understand, but about 1 year ago I joined a committee at the church that allows me to be a part of making decisions for the school and parish. I started because I was sick of complaining about what they aren't doing and wanted to be a part of what can be done. Although the meetings come at a bad time every time they come up, the home visits to ask parishoners for money to build isn't my idea of fun, the design time to make things look pretty (even when some people say I am not talented enough) can get to be very long, along with all the other things that come along with it can be time consuming, to see that our DREAMS for the school are coming alive is a feeling that can't be explained.

Don't get me wrong....it must seem as though I am complaining. I wouldn't take any of these activities away because in some way they all lead back to my greatest joy.....my husband and children.

Flying Pasta Here, Flying Pasta There!

2007-01-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

Two nights ago I visited a large retail chain, name to remain anonymous because I don't want to offend anyone that enjoys this God forsaken hell hole. I reluctantly walked in the front doors to return a knee brace my husband bought the night before. For some reason they are the only retailer that stays open 24/7, 365 days a year, so we are all forced to use them at one point or another : (

Anyway, back to why I dislike going into this store. It seems as if by 9:00 p.m. all of the people that don't want to be seen in the daylight emerge and gather at these stores. This particular evening was no different. As I walked in, I witnessed a small child (probably 5 years old) standing behind their parents as they played video games. What an exciting evening it must be to be this child......get no attention from your parents and watch them play games they should have outgrown years ago. Who knows though, maybe he was thinking, "Wow my mom and dad are cool!" Doubt it.

I was greeted by a not so delightful "Greeter". She looked at me as if I stole something and was trying to return it. She searched my bag to tag the "item" that was being returned. I wanted to say, "Trust me...I wouldn't steal anything from here because I don't even want to be seen here right now." Shallow I know....but unfortunately true.

I waited in the line at customer service while one lady returned 5 Home Entertainment Speaker systems. Why would anyone buy 5 of the same thing......seems like a Christmas nightmare to me. She told one person in her family what she wanted and that person told the next person and the next person told the next person. They all bought the same thing on the same weekend they "Lowered" the price. This is the only explanation I can come up with, based on the fact she had NO RECEIPTS for any of them.

The couple in front of me had a 3-4 year old son that wanted to mop the floor.....with his hair, his cloths and unfortunately his tongue. He was just rolling around while his parents were staring off into space. I have to imagine this child has one hell of a immune system built up if he likes licking miscellaneous floors....who knows what else he is putting his little tongue on.

This was a rare evening at this national retail chain. I actually left the store with a smile on my face. It was as I was returning my knee brace, that a gentleman came up to the 2nd register. He had a box of "Kraft Macaroni and Cheese - DELUXE". He was going to return this box of cheesy goodness because he didn't want it. However, the box was ripped open like he changed his mind as he was about to pour the noodles into the boiling water. "Oops, I don't really want this anymore, I think I will return it. I wonder where that darn receipt is!" With a smirk on her face, the cashier with enough black eye liner on to last me a whole year, stated it was against OSHA regulations to return an opened food item. (I personally felt dumb.....I didn't know OSHA had return policy regulations.....hahahaha.) Anyway, this guy got so pissed that they would not give him his money back that he threw the box into his cart and the pasta in the opened box flew up into the air and spilled all over the place. As he was walking away he slipped on some of the pasta and got even madder. I couldn't even hold in my laughter. What a moron.

So if you are ever having a bad day, wait until 9:00 and go to this retail chain. (We all know which one it is.) You might witness one of the funniest things you have ever seen............boy I need to get a life!

ANNOYING little tidbits

2007-01-10T16:58:00.000-08:00

Well, here we go. My mood is such today that I think I will get some things off my chest. Here are some things that have always bothered me or caused to me to spend too much time thinking about them.

1) Braille on a drive up ATM - I don't want to be around the person driving up to an ATM that needs to use braille. (Don't think you need any more explaination than that.)

2) The woman who joins Adventure Boot Camp to get in shape but walks when the trainer isn't around and peeks around corners to know when she needs to start running. Why does this bother me.......I just don't like her anyway...... so many things about her bother me.

3) Whiny voices.....why is it that the octave of children's voice goes up instinctively when they feel they are going to be in trouble.

4) People who fart on an elevator right before they get off. HILARIOUS, but annoying.

5) People who make their jobs difficult just to make themselves look busy. If I could just have the time they waste doing something the long way........it would be a dream!

6) Retail employees - why are 99% of them rude.........Hint to those that this describes - HELLO! RETAIL IS A SOCIAL JOB. GET OUT OF IT IF SOCIALLY DISABLED!!

7) In the age of email we all are bombarded with emails every day. Why do some people respond to your emails with a "Thank You." Don't get me wrong, I understand they are trying to be courteous, but don't send an email if there is not more than two words in it.

The rambling is now done!

Let's Go to Mexico

2007-01-09T20:26:00.000-08:00

O.K. This is my first post and I feel like talking about my Mexico trip. Even if it is old news, I

can close my eyes and still feel the wind in my face while watching the sun come up. Joel and I went to Mexico for our 10 year anniversary. Another couple celebrating their 10th came along. It was soooooooooooo relaxing.

We went to El Dorado Royale in Riviera Maya. The hotel was clean and didn't smell like mold, a common complaint in Mexico resorts. We did nothing all day but lay by the pool, drink fun drinks, and nap. We had phenomenal food and great company.

I have added a few pictures of the flowers on the resort. All I can say is breath taking. Betsy is going to have to help me figure out how to display them in my house.

Close your eyes, lay back and dream of the hot sun and soft breeze blowing in your hair. It just isn't fair!!!