I started reading Lance Armstrong's Book, "It's Not About the Bike. My Journey Back to Life." What an amazing experience it has been. So many things Lance went through (I am on a first name basis with him now...haha) I can identify with but had a hard time putting it to words. I know you are thinking, "I can't believe she ever had a hard time opening up her yapper and letting things fall out"; however, so many experiences I have had, feelings I endure, things I am frightened of.....they are so hard to explain. So you are probably thinking, "Who cares, don't explain them." I NEED TO. I need to get this ideas, feelings, insecurities out. I need them to leave me through my words so I can go back to them in times of doubt and confusion and know I am going to be O.K. I need to read my past posts frequently to know I am growing through this process, not taking huge steps backwards.
I spent quite awhile tonight trying to find a definition of this Survivorship that Lance talks about. He explains it in "cancer mode", but nothing that really would mean something to people who haven't either had cancer or was a caregiver for a cancer patient. What I found is that Survivor and Survivorship are two different concepts. Being a survivor is anyone that is currently has cancer or is in remission of cancer. Cancer Survivorship is so much more. It is a process of living with the cancer, through the treatments and past the cancer free diagnosis. It is the PROCESS of LIVING through the stages. It is more difficult than any one person can ever explain. It is more difficult than any one person wants to admit. It is difficult.
December 31, 2009 was a great day. Joel and I met at Mutual of Omaha Bank at 3:00 in the afternoon, signed the papers for the new business we bought after working so hard to get it and drove home talking to each other on the cell phones the whole way. 2010 was going to be the best year of our lives. We owned a business. I was getting a raise and would be making more money. We felt like nothing could bring us off this cloud. We shared a wonderful evening with Joel's brothers family and shared some champagne at midnight. Watch out world, the Osten's were finally making it. Our hard work was finally paying off....little did we know.
A short 5 months later, we were still "high" from our new lives when things crashed down around us. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think having cancer was all bad for us, it wasn't. It took months for us to come to that realization. At first it was the world caving in on us and our euphoria was gone.....Watch out world, the Osten's just got screwed again. That is what it felt like. Someone was playing a cruel joke on us.....this wasn't supposed to happen. This was going to be the best year of our lives.
As I have said before, I think this time of my "Survivorship" is possibly the hardest part of the whole journey. You fight so hard. You let the doctors give you rat poison; enough rat poison that you wonder why you even live through it. So many people don't. So many people don't have 1/4 of the chemo treatments I had and their bodies won't let them make it through it. Their bodies give up. So WHY did I make it through? WHY was I one of the ones that was chosen to get better? I remember one PA telling me, "We will kill you a little bit at a time and then let you recover for awhile. We will then kill some more of you until you feel like there is nothing left." He went on to say, "That is when I need that fiesty Irish woman to come out and tell this cancer you are going to kick its ass!"
I did that. I fought back everytime they brought me down to a level that felt impossible to come back from. It was almost like I was going to show them that they couldn't kill me....this cancer would not kill me. BRING IT ON! I had something to fight for then. Do I have anything left to fight for? I beat the biggest opponent I have ever had in my life. Or did I?
I am learning everyday that I am strong. Even on weak days I am stronger than I would have every thought I was. I have learned the physical effects of cancer and cancer treatment are a walk in the park compared to the emotional ones. Of course, do I wish my feet would work? Yes. Do I wish it didn't feel like bugs were crawling in my ears from the neuropathy? Absolutely. But do I wish that emotionally cancer would go away.......maybe. Or maybe not.
What I have gone through has made me stronger. What I fight in my mind everyday moves me one step closer to being O.K. emotionally. Would I want someone to sweep it all away....NO! I truly feel that I was chosen to bear this cross to make me a better person in many ways. I am learning to be a better wife. I am learning to be a better mother. I am really learning how to be a better daughter, sister, friend, person. Without fighting through these things emotionally everyday, I am not sure I would be able to say I am getting better at any of those things.
December 31, 2010 was a phenomenal day. We were surrounded by family and friends that love us. We were surrounded by supporters of our children....surrounded by people that we couldn't have made it without over the last year. Although we missed seeing the ball drop (how funny is that....we were on the wrong channel), we got to hoot and holler and let the kids blow noise makers. We shared champagne with those that we love. I spoke with my parents shortly after midnight. I looked around and began to cry. This was a phenomenal day. 2011 will be a great year.....no matter what obstacles we endure. I am alive to see 2011 and that is what is important. I will get to hug my children, smile at my husband and laugh with my friends. What would be better than that!
2010 was supposed to be a great year. We owned a business and we would make more money. What was missing in those words?
2011 will be a great year because of all of you. We will laugh and love our family and friends, enjoy our lives more than anything and nothing else matters.....it will all take care of itself.
Cancer Survivorship is not just a few words or a definition that Lance and the American Cancer Society use to explain what we go through. It is a process that I don't believe will ever be done. It is a process of making us better people through the experiences we have had. It is a process to grow and find ourselves in ways we never would have without cancer. It is the PROCESS of LIVING!
Happy New Year!
I love all of you!
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